seems so simple

Chef for the Night

2011-11-01T20:17:00.000-07:00

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, we have a grand chef filling in for the evening with her FIRST time EVER making this delicious dish. That's right folks, Elisa is here. And I'm not quite filling in, as I'm finally blogging about just how YUM my head gets when I decide to cook. How does my head get yum? Why, the pleasures of StumbleUpon, of course. There, I find a world all of its own (all of my own!) that takes me deep into the world of arts -- since most of my selections follow that line.... oh wow. That's a lot of add ins. Let me start fresh.

My name is Elisa. I am addicted to StumbleUpon. StumbleUpon is this great website/toolbar that you can add-on to your internet server. You create an account, tell it some generic interests, and then start your adventure by clicking the "Stumble" button. From there, it takes you to places all over the web. Some wonderful and full of knowledge and insight, some that create laughter or heartache, and some that just annoying you that StumbleUpon dare think you would EVER be interested in. At that point, I give 'em a thumbs down and move on. No, literally. You click a thumbs up or thumbs down-- depending on your preference. Or, in all uncertainty, you click the simple the Stumble button again and find yourself an hour later, and deep into some random website and you can't imagine what you would have done without it.

And now, back to the actual topic of tonight's post: My Chef-ism. Is that the term? Ehh, I work with kids-- I can make up terms! Tonight's great venture is a basic recipe with two main ingredients: sweetened condensed milk & whipping cream. I know, healthy living, huh? Well, this is my first time attempting to make this dish and like I said previously, it IS delicious. Which means it might just be a favorite of mine..... can you guess?

Ehh, you know me too well. I can no longer contain myself: Ice Cream. Yeppers. I find this cute little recipe and I will be attempting two small batches tonight: Chocolate with Peanut Butter Chips & Chocolate with Butterscotch Chips. Wish me well, as I will finish this blog with an update later this evening.

simply,
ME

*=======*=======*=======*

I did it! With a little help from Crystal. Okay, here's the super fast recipe:
2 cups Heavy Whipping Cream
1 jar (14oz.) Sweetened Condensed Milk

You whip the heavy whipping cream until stiff peaks form. In other words, you should be able to lift the mixers out with a peak that follows and doesn't fall.
Meantime (or prior to) in a large bowl, mix the jar of sweetened condensed milk in with whatever ingredients you want. I followed some general suggestions from the aforementioned website to try my creations. Mix them evenly and then fold in the peaked whipped cream. Then pour into a 2 qt. Tupperware bin and place in the freezer for 6 hours before serving.

These are what I came up with that turned this simple recipe into something all mine:

BATCH ONE:
1/2 cup chocolate syrup
1/2 cup peanut butter chips

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BATCH TWO:
1/2 chocolate syrup
1 1/2 Tbsp. coffee grounds
1 pkg. white chocolate chips*
*I opted for more because the half cup in the last batch seemed quite small in proportion to the amount of ice cream I made.

My biggest tips are these:
1. Whipping into stiff peaks, takes much longer than you'd think. Don't worry and don't give up. It's worth it!!
2. This makes a lot. I mean a LOT. More than I thought from the picture on the website I used. Two batches was way more than we needed, but I had already started and I refused to back down.

Enjoy!!

As It Gets

2011-04-26T20:35:00.000-07:00

Nothing to drastic or life-changing tonight folks.

Yep. I admitted it first thing. I know, I know the epic fail for the start of a blog. But honestly, it's been a long day and I feel too drained from work and my non-stop coughing to bother to type it all. Of course, now you have an inch to know what happened at work to make me so drained because who could be drained after snack, homework time, outside play, and games with kids. Well, this girl can when you have to handle the conversations that I had to have. Again, that's as far as we are going with that.

On the homefront--- well "the Cabin" is truly my escape. I love our little place and the comfort it provides. During the early afternoon and directly after my shift at work, I can't help but turn on the Netflix instant queue for a lil remedy. With the help of this ever-present cough, I decided that a lil medical humor would soothe just fine. I turned to my trust friends in Scrubs.

The best part of today? Colin Hay began to play. In the words of his crooning voice:

I watch the sun as it comes up, I watch it as it sets
Yeah, this is as good as it gets

simply,
ME

Day Two.

2011-03-29T10:54:00.000-07:00

I'm beginning to get a smidge more vocal about things. I was thinking of even making suggestions to those in charge about how to get some people amp'd up for it. Maybe a lil commercial like thing?

When the truth of the matter is, my stomach knots, my throat gets tight, and I can feel my heart start thumping in my chest at the thought of it all. I have to continually remind myself that God is in charge and is more than enough for lil ol' me.

Which is something that I need to be reminded of more often than not. God is in charge. God is MORE than anything I could need--- if I just allow Him to be in everything I do. I especially need this reminder when it comes to relationships. I don't have to be in control, or figure everything out, or understand all of what's happening around me. What a relief!!

Someone just rang the neighbors doorbell..... how strange how LOUD it is. I wonder if they'll ring ours as well? I think it's time I get dressed and outta my pajamas. :)

simply,
ME

72 days.

Day One.

2011-03-27T23:54:00.000-07:00

73 days.
Wow.
Even as a big number, it catches my breath.

I have 73 days until I face one of my biggest fears.
I have avoided this for 9 years.
I have no other choice but to make changes in my life.
And I'm going to do it.
And God's going to be my rock through it all.

Hopefully, there will be more for me to tell here
as those 73 days count down.

Tonight's Order? Checking out the perks.

simply, ME

73 days of change.

Purse Pursuing

2011-03-24T18:41:00.001-07:00

There I was.
Sitting at home after a morning of work.
Bored and trying to avoid napping.

I began to stumble.
Or should I say, Stumble.
And I stumbled upon what looked to be a speedy simple craft.
I perked right up.
What was this? Something even the least of the craftys could handle??
Why, yes, there it was: a t-shirt, a pair of scissors and a safety pin.
snip, snip. tug, tug. loop & tie. loop & tie. tah-dah!

Unless you're me.
Then it's: yep, yep. I got this, I got this. Wait-- oh, it's okay. Yea, I'm awesome.
Wait, no. No. NOOOOOOOO. Ahhh nuts.
Hahahahaha, another one demolished.

Oh, the world of crafting on a whim.
Thus is my life.

simply,
ME

Pulla Pulla Pulla

2011-03-10T12:13:00.000-08:00

This week my friend, Lacy, and I will be making: Pulla.
It's a Finnish bread.
And I'm super pumped.
There's a good chance that something will go wrong or I will forget something-- but isn't that the fun of baking? No two things never the exact same? It reminds me that change is okay.

It also makes me excited because the recipe requires yeast, and yeast comes in a 3-pack.

You know what that means! MORE BREAD!!! Well, first, I gotta bum a bread pan because I don't have one. Luckily I won't need one for the pulla--- it's braided. Ohhh, Or I can braid/twist more kinds of bread! Hmmmmm, now I'll have to do some research on what sort of great breads to make!!

"Excitement mounts as Centennial nears." ~Can you name the movie?

simply,
ME

Inadequate Me

2011-03-01T00:44:00.000-08:00

More often than not.
I feel inadequate.
And in many different ways.

I'm not necessarily down on myself about this. I'm actually okay with it in many ways. But not every way. I feel inadequate not only in many different ways, but in many different situations.

I don't know how to be a supportive friend all the time.
I don't know the answers to your biblical questions--- regardless of the 4 years I spent in school learning about the Bible.
I don't know what it's like to be in a healthy, loving (dating) relationship with a man.
I don't know the words to say to mend my mistakes.
I don't have the answers to the things that frustrate you.
I don't have the answers to the things that frustrate me.
I don't always stick to my word.
I don't feel worthy of a God who loves me in all these shortcomings.
I don't understand how He continues to forgive when we continue to sin.

Yes, there are even more that should be on this list. There are many ways that my heart aches just admitting many of those things. But above all, I know that my inadequacies do one thing for sure: Humble me. It's a tough spot to be in when you have to admit you're lacking. But sometimes, it's an honor. I wish I could explain the feeling on my heart when I pray to God. I wish you could feel the pressure that I allow to build up as I begin to confess my inadequacies to Him. And even moreso, I wish you could feel that release, the breath that fills my lungs, the fluttering of my heartbeat when I get to praise Him for filling in each place I am lacking. For when He overflows from one thing to the next, making me better, simply by being Him and being in my life. When I have the opportunity to worship Him at any moment, at any breath, at any thought. It's okay that I'm inadequate. I'm supposed to not be enough. If I was enough--- I wouldn't need Him and desire Him. I want God in everything I do. I require Him.

A little sudden of a confession? Yes. But something that's been on my heart for a while now. And especially after my chat with Jared in the car on the way home from Trivia Night at Applebee's. I'm not so great at trivia. In fact, I think I may have known the answer to about 10 of the questions out of over 70. I don't mind, I like laughing with my friends over our guesses and the joy someone gets when they realize they're the first to recall the correct answer at the table. But the car ride home was where things started to run in my brain. Jared and I were talking about the Tuesday morning tradition of meeting up at a local coffeeshop to chat with a few friends. I had missed a few weeks and Jared ended up getting loaded with great theological questions. He was happy that I would be back this week to help lighten his load. I cringed. I am terrible at answering Biblical questions. I panic. My mind goes blank. And I quickly remember how much I took in from all of those bible classes in College-- muy poco.
Sigh. It does make me sad that I didn't do a better job at studying and retaining what I learned. But I also have to realize that I am not forever fated to that. I can keep growing. I can keep learning. I can keep studying. And building and strengthening my knowledge and love for God.

It's okay that IIIII am inadequate. I need God. That's a good place to be. :)

simply,
ME

Biscotti & Boundaries

2011-02-08T17:31:00.000-08:00

I have a new best friend, Biscotti.
And I am NOT talking about the food.
(Which I am not a fan of.)

Typically, I would be at work right now instead of talking here. But sadly, I am not feeling so well. Therefore, I have spent most of my day with Biscotti and trying to get better. UGH. I do not like being sick.

And for the moment, that is all.

Oh! I lied. One more thing.
I have fabulous roommates. They are both so loving and kind and we have all really opened up more and more over time--- helping with our communication and bonding. We push each other to get outside of our comfort zones, even with all of our stubbornnesses. (And yes, each of us can be VERY stubborn.)
But I just love them so much. I love that they are so amazing and so loving. And I love that they've pushed me to go further, to push my ridiculous boundaries, and to step into the unknown. Have I also mentioned that the unknown has been pretty wonderful so far?? Hehehehe. :)

simply,
ME

What's cookin'?

2011-01-13T01:14:00.000-08:00

Hmmmm.
To me, trying to decide on a topic of post, is like trying to decide what's for dinner. Maybe that's just me-- I have a trillion ideas that skip through my brain, some more well thought out than others, that simply don't seem to satisfy whatever it is I cannot place a finger on that fulfills my cravings.
Perhaps food is what I should speak of? I tend to know it all too well. And if you don't believe me, you can check my dress size-- that says it all! :)
I have been on the weirdest food kicks since living on my own. Recently, all my housemates and I have decided that we were all eating a bunch of garbage and that needed to change. So, one of my housemates is currently working on South Beach Diet-- I have to commend her for it because I could NOT do it personally. I disagree with a lot of how it aims to work, but she really likes it so I'm glad that she can find something she enjoys and focus in. The other housemate and I are making choices to eat healthier. We've cut out some things completely (deep fat fried foods, ice cream, soda, Lil Caesar's pizzas, etc.) and we've also just decided to eat healthier versions of some other foods.
I don't typically go public with this sort of stuff. Mostly because I don't see a lot of point in it and I can't stand when someone decides they need to be my mom and tell me what I should or shouldn't do. Trust me, I've got one, and she tells me when she wants to, I've got it covered.
There are two major things that I've come to realize from this new adventure we are embarking on:

1. Good grief, I AM POOR. Financially, that is. And by every grace of God, I have been blessed enough that I am receiving SNAP benefits to help with the cost of food. When I eat trashy, it more than suffices-- heck, it FEEDS my hunger for terrible food. But when I eat what brings nutrition to my life, the SNAP benefits are a budgeted item that I watch over closely. (A side note to this first realization: Being poor financially really helps me remember how I am rich in so many other ways. It's ridiculously humbling--- especially the people who make my life rich in love.)

2. I LOVE TO COOK. My intense dislike for doing the dishes is quickly outweighed when I slip into the kitchen and awaken how much I love to cook. I love trying out new things. The other day, I made brownies for a co-worker's birthday. I was told that his favorite were the ones with the peanut butter swirls in them. I had never made them, but it seemed doable, so I quickly created an interesting way to sweeten & melt the peanut butter down to an almost runny consistency so as to pour into the mix of brownies. Rumor has it, they're already devoured. That same afternoon, I wanted to thaw some chicken for dinner while the brownies baked. In my unfocusedness, I accidentally forgot to click the "defrost" button on the microwave-- leaving the frozen chicken in for such a time/at such a temp, that they began to cook. Oops! So, I quickly slipped a pan onto the stove and began to look for seasoning. Don't ask me what inspired me to create this combo, but this is what came next: mango peach salsa, minced onion, garlic powder, sun-dried tomatoes, ranch powder seasoning. I remembered my lesson from Julie & Julia and quickly enlisted my housemate to pat dry the meat before introducing it to the seasoning that was quickly heating up before our eyes. She patted the boneless chicken, I poked it repetitively with a fork, and into the pan it sizzled.
YUMMMMMMMMMM. Seasoned chicken with sides of black beans & green salad. DELICIOUS!!
For dessert? Dried fruit. A new obsession of ours here.

Well, another evening spent, on yet another random topic that has nothing to do with the last. Welcome to my life. :) But hey-- at least that means you never know what may pop up next time in your "Blogs I'm Following". Wait a minute-- you ARE following me, right?? Well, good grief!! Click the button and add my already!! Silly people. :)
Who knows what I'll do next!!

this is my season.

2010-09-16T23:44:00.000-07:00

I can announce it again and again.
I'm not very good at this.

I even wish I could do some fancy two-step magic and tell you a simple recap of my recent times to get you up to speed. But 'm doubtful that will do too much good.

Please don't think that I am being brash or rude or disrespectful. Honestly? I'm just exhausted. My time this summer (up until now) has been spent as such:

JUNE-- nothingness. the great abyss. friends, family, relaxing, and not focusing on anything. probably one of my worst decisions ever because I really needed to have been preparing. oh. and looking for some work--- casually.

JULY-- more of the same.

AUGUST-- getting an apartment, moving out, camping, more job hunting, interviews, prepping for camp, writing a proposal to save the preschool, more prepping for camp, finding out my mom had a very large lump in her breast, did i mention prepping for camp yet??, trying not to loose my mind,
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC *stressing over job duties, helping campers with needs, helping support staff, helping support admin staff* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA *loosing it over my mom having cancer* MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM *not getting to give the proposal for preschool* PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP *getting a job at the Y* !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!,
returning home to start my training for my new job, finding out the proposal for the Preschool got denied, freaking out that I wont be able to pay bills and have to move BACK OUT of my amazing new place with my wonderful new roomies.

SEPTEMBER -- finish training for the Y, get best job site placement EVER, trying to figure out what to/if we should salvage of the preschool, kick off for youth group, learning more about my mom's lumpectomy (that she's having this Friday, the 17th), trying to find more work since my hours will be reduced if we don't get more students in our program.

Ecclesiastes is pulling me through it all. to everything, there is a season.
This is my season.

simply,
ME

So, This is the Magic Trick...

2010-07-14T00:01:00.000-07:00

Welp.
No one seemed to notice I didn't post.
I'll claim that it's because it's summertime.
I'll even claim that it's because I haven't written in so long.
Sigh.
In my head, I thought to myself, late last night. I will fool them all!! I will say that I will write, and then I will wait and bless those, who call me on it, with a craft. Sure, they deserve it!! And what good friends-- keeping me accountable.

Ohh, too funny. Someone will eventually catch up to all of this when reading through some of these entries. And to them, I grant them this video:

It's Procrastination, So True

2010-07-13T01:03:00.000-07:00

Welp. I've proved myself once again.

Today, I was shopping in a nearby town-- oh heck, not shopping. Browsing. I was browsing at all the random stores we happened to wander into, and it was glorious. By the way, no set plans when browsing is probably the best. It never feels like anything is a let down when you can't afford it. I can just tell myself, "Oh well. You wouldn't have even known if you hadn't wandered in here! But-- now you know for next time!"

So, from egg-themed breakfast joints to chain clothing stores to hole-in-the-wall shops to book stores to co-ops to starbucks-- we hit about every store you could think of. And then a few more.

My favorite moment of it all, was laughing at myself when I realized I was standing directly in front of a shelving unit covered in a plethora of journals and sketchbooks. I had to laugh. What else do you do in a bookstore when you realize that you've LITERALLY started to salivate over a mound of something so useless that you have to make that lil sucking noise with the sides of your mouth to keep the spit from leaking out and leaving me a drooling fool?!?!

Okay, I already know some of you. I know that you've even started to rile up your defense of this so-called "mound of something so useless". Now let me clarify. I say that this is useless because it would be useless for me to spend my money on it. I'm not saying that I don't want to, that I don't desire to, that I don't plot out what purpose each and every book on that shelf has in my life, that I don't reach out to check the pages-- hoping for lined in one book and bare in another. Oh no. That is all a part of my salivating and slurping of spit. No no. I call them useless because I know that my money spent would be useless. I know that the reality is, I have a stack of them at home. All swore to one job title or another. This journal is for wine, that book is for poetry, this one is for songs, and another for wonderful quotes!!!!

Can you guess the last time I wrote in any of them? Yep. Neither can I. I thought to myself, "You can't even keep up a BLOG and you want MORE journals?!? A blog you don't even have to write! You TYPE. You simply spill anything and everything that comes to mind, and you can't even do THAT on a consistent basis. You silly girl."

Don't believe me? Well, I'll let you in on another little secret. Ready??

I almost didn't write this entry. Yep. After all of that self discipline and warning, I still tried to tell myself, "Ehh, maybe tomorrow." But here I am folks!! That's right, I just gave myself a lil fancy-schmancy bow to congratulate myself on writing in my blog.

And tomorrow? (Meaning Tuesday, since it's still evening and we will count this as Monday.) I'll tell you a new story. And if I don't: I'll make you a craft.

The bigger question: Will any of you come back tomorrow to read this?

but that's nothing new

2010-04-20T18:52:00.000-07:00

"I'm not good with words
but that's nothing new
still I have to try to explain
what I would do..."

That's honestly how I find myself feeling all too often. I know that words have never been my thing, and that's alright by me. Honestly! The great thing that I've discovered about it, is that it doesn't really matter what I have to say.

I hope you're not jumping to conclusions and thinking, "Geesh, Elisa, don't be so down on yourself-- yadda yadda..." Because let me stop you right there. I'm not down on myself, so stop your fussing. Plus, you haven't heard the second part yet, so hear me out.

I'm not down on myself because I know that I don't have the words to say to you, but Someone else does. All it takes is for me to be able to REALIZE and ADMIT that I'm not the one with any sort of solution to life, and let the real Man in charge take over things. Yep. A simple, "hey God, it's me, umm--- I know that if I let just myself speak, it's gonna be slop. and it's Your words I want to portray. It's Your vision I want to lay out. Mind taking over?" There are two surprises that come from this:
1. You'd be surprised how often I do this.
(not nearly enough, in my book, but it's over more things than you'd think)
2. You'd be surprised how easily He takes over.

All of this has been bustling in my head because I'm finally realizing how great it is to not have the words to speak. Not that I don't want to have words of wisdom, or comfort, or strength. But I don't want those things to come from a mere person when they can come from a mighty God who is speaking through me.

These past few weeks have felt like there's been something weighing things down. A drudging pace. Maybe lazy, maybe fearful, maybe just in need of Someone bigger to take over. I realized this as I tried to hold conversations and just felt everything in me dragging. I wanted to be so much more, so much light, joy, encouragement, compassion-- yet nothing spewed out, just blah.

I finally found myself desperate for it. Desperate for God. Desperate to explain things. Desperate to tell people just what He means to me. And my words fell short. I cried. I begged. I finally stopped holding on to the things I couldn't do and let God be in charge like He asks me every morning.

So my words for you this week? His.

The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield and the horn of my salvation.
He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior—
from violent men you save me.
I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
and I am saved from my enemies.

The waves of death swirled about me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.
The cords of the grave coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.
In my distress I called to the LORD;
I called out to my God.

From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came to his ears.
The earth trembled and quaked,
the foundations of the heavens shook;
they trembled because he was angry.
Smoke rose from his nostrils;
consuming fire came from his mouth,
burning coals blazed out of it.

He parted the heavens and came down;
dark clouds were under his feet.
He mounted the cherubim and flew;
he soared on the wings of the wind.
He made darkness his canopy around him—
the dark rain clouds of the sky.
Out of the brightness of his presence
bolts of lightning blazed forth.

The LORD thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded.
He shot arrows and scattered the enemies ,
bolts of lightning and routed them.
The valleys of the sea were exposed
and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at the rebuke of the LORD,
at the blast of breath from his nostrils.

He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.

simply,
ME (& HIM)

from doodles to dancing

2010-04-08T01:03:00.000-07:00

Somewhere along the road of life, someone changed my world with one simple phrase.
I remember sitting in a room filled with hundreds of others my age, adults sprinkled throughout the seats around us. My face down, doodling to help me attempt to focus on what was going on. Sometimes the doodling helps, sometimes it's my escape. At that moment, deep into my escape of some elaborate thought racing through my mind-- my concentration was pierced.

"God is wanting to romance you."

More than my concentration broke.
My eyes jerked from the page to the man on stage.
My heart froze in that moment.
Did he really just say what I've been waiting for for so long?

For a girl that struggled (as so many of us do) with the desire to be loved, someone was already loving me. He wanted more than my vague interest, He wanted to be my hearts' desire. He wanted my every thought, every breathe, everything to beat in sync with His romancing of me.

My friend, Lauren (fondly referred to as E-Lauren), reminded me of some encouragement I had once left for her.

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted..." ~Psalm 34:18

It definitely helps to mend the heart to be reminded that He is near and desperately wanting to romance us.
I hope you have the chance today to break away from whatever you may have become consumed with to realize, Someone is waiting to romance you.

simply,
ME

grace like rain, falls down on me

2010-03-28T23:33:00.000-07:00

**DISCLAIMER:: If you have a difficult time reading about: Death, Shootings, Forgiveness (and such things)-- you may want to avoid this entry.**

Now. On to what I came here for.

Tonight, I watched something I rarely watch. That's right, folks: Lifetime Movie Network.
I don't tend to go here because these shows always seem to make me feel depressed and lonely and just gut-wrenching so often. But tonight, as sad as this true story was, I couldn't help but to be moved by it.

Tonight's special was Amish Grace. The title says it all. Did you know that I have a mild obsession with the Amish? It's true. More than likely one of the most fascinating things about my time in the Midwest was our closeness to the Amish. Not in how we lived our lives, but just that they were down the road a few miles. They have such a different life and I've always been curious to know more about it. Not just by word-of-mouth, not by book, but by those who live their lives there.

Back to the topic: the movie!! Once more, one more disclaimer: SPOILER ALERT!!
The movie is about a true story of a man who went into an Amish school house and shot several female students before killing himself. The point of the movie was about what Amish Grace is. (aka. their forgiveness of those who have done wrong)

I don't think I'll have the time, patience, and/or focus on everything I was thinking and writing as I watched this movie. I'll follow the path that things spilled outta my hands.

1. Their prayer life is outstanding.
Makes me feel like a tool when I think I've done well at praying and keeping my conversations with God constant. It felt like, everytime someone announced ANY kind of news, someone replied with, "We will pray for you/that thing/it." And then they would turn and pray together. I'm nowhere near that walk. And honestly, it wasn't something that I thought seemed weird. I just felt ashamed and convicted that I needed to stop being such a baby about my prayers. I don't need everything in my head. Even if I stumble over my words, God knows my heart and I need to stop stopping myself from praying so freely.

2. Forgiveness.
The Amish men IMMEDIATELY wanted to go to the family of the Gunman and offer their forgiveness to the family. This is something my heart ached over. I have never been in that position, so I cannot claim to know it. But I just can't imagine forgiveness coming that fast to my heart. As a Christian, I think that's hard for us to admit. I know I keep wanting to go back and reword it so that I don't have to admit it, but it's true. I suck at forgiving people. And it sometimes takes me quite a while before I even want to try for it. Quite a while, as in YEARS.

3. What is "unforgivable"?
The main character in the story is the mother (Ida) of one of the girls (MaryBeth) who died. Early in the story, you learn that Ida's sister was shunned for being a widow who fell in love with an Englishman (what the Amish call those who live outside the Amish way). She brings forward a tough question: how can they forgive a man who murdered their children, yet turn their back on her sister? How is what the Gunman did forgivable? And what her sister did, unforgivable?
Truthfully, I have no idea. Truthfully, I think I'd feel the same as Ida.

4. The Gunman's wife: Amy.
More heartache for a woman who had NO IDEA that her husband had been PLOTTING to murder these children he KNEW (he was the Amish community's milkman who hauled away the mail). Sometimes marriage scares me. There's a lot of fears and insecurities that I have about divorce or separation or just the loss of whatever held us together. Amy cries out in anger: "He actually picked going to hell-- over being here with me." Annnnnd thus spurs my fears even more.

5. What Hate Is.
The Amish father talks to their surviving daughter about what hate is. He tells her that hate is a monster that has giant sharp teeth that eat away at us and want to thrash us into piece. So much so, that there is no place left for love in us. Sometimes it takes hearing this to remind me how much I've allowed hate into my life and how little I allow love in. I'm not trying to say that I'm a person full of rage, anger, malice, and hate-- but I definitely have let it take many-a-bite at me.
Later, someone else mentions that we are not to make our hearts a battleground between hate and love. It's true. Love should just overcome. It has the power to. But if I allow hate to stay and keep residence, it has power as well. It's definitely MY choice as to what consumes my heart, it doesn't have to be a battleground. The war should have been won long ago when I allowed Christ to be in charge of things.

6. Faith.
"Faith is not faith when everything goes as we please. Faith is only true faith when our lives are falling apart." At first, I wanted to fight this. But really, faith proves itself as the stronghold when we've got nothing else to grab hold of. I'll come back to this concept of faith.

7. The battle for his heart.
The mother we talked about before, Ida, decides she wants to leave. She cannot take being a part of the Amish community anymore and wants to leave. She says she will take their remaining child in the morning with her. Then she asks her husband to leave as well. He looks away-- indicating his disagreement with her decision. She becomes angry (again) and yells, "You will not even leave for me!!" Does she EVER consider that maybe he's staying for GOD?? Why do people have to make things about themselves and how you're somehow disappointing them. When really, you're following what God wants. STOP TRYING TO DISTRACT PEOPLE FROM GOD!!! EVEN IF IT HURTS YOU!!!!!

8. Faith, again.
The father explains that maybe we don't understand their faith. That faith does not equal pardon. Or forgetting. But that it's about not holding anger and resentment.
One of the other Amish mothers explains that when she wakes up in the morning, she waits to hear her daughters, but they are not their anymore. Before she can stop it, anger has overtaken her and she cannot breathe. And that's when she has to give her anger to God and ask for forgiveness. Sometimes, she has to do it an hour later. And then an hour after that. And an hour after that. If she didn't do that, she'd never breathe again.
I've definitely gotten to the point of not being able to breathe. But do I get rid of it like I should? Yikes, another stinger.

9. Grace.
Near the end of the film, Ida finally learns that she and Amy had quite a lot in common and both struggled to see how someone could forgive someone they both saw as unforgivable. Ida also gets to hear from one of the girls who survived. That young girl tells her that Ida's daughter offered to pray for the Gunman as they stood in that one-roomed schoolhouse at gunpoint. Ida learned that even those in the worst places can go to God for the good of it.
At the funeral of the Gunman, many people from the Amish community show up to mourn death. Ida reaches out to Amy's hand and clasps it in her own. She tells her the simplest thing that finally broke me into tears:

"Before she died, my daughter had forgiveness in her heart.
I can do no less."

I can do no less.
Hmm.
What a change in the way I live my life.

simply,
ME

you called, I answered

2010-01-19T10:42:00.000-08:00

There are days when I really struggle with friendships. Sometimes I'm just a crappy friend. I don't answer calls, text back, respond to posts, I can't seem to muster up the strength to care. Which is hitting me as to how RIDICULOUS that is because I know it's a pain when you have a simple question and the people could care less as to respond. I need to work on my friendships.

When I was in Kentucky 9 months ago --p.s. I hate saying that. I constantly wish I could be there with my Lauren-- I got to hear one of the best sermons I could have heard in the last couple of years. It was about being authentic in our relationships. Obviously I needed to hear it-- did you not read the last paragraph?? I was totally half-assed with a lot of friends. And the saddest thing, is that they did nothing to deserve it. So I try my best to be more authentic.

One thing that I've come to realize (and am learning to buck it up and get over) is that authenticity is not always returned. There are times, when I am only going to receive half-assed responses, if any at all. But my job isn't to sulk and be pissy, my job is to remain authentic. See, I've always learned that as a Christian, there's really only two things to do:

Love God.
Love like God.

I kid you not, everything else will fall under those catergories. And if I'm supposed to love like Him, then I need to learn to realize that the world will not always love me, but that doesn't mean I stop loving it. As humans, this is probably one of our biggest struggles in life. But I also believe that God will be the one providing us with the backbone and strength to handle things.

I say all of this long winded-ness to tell you about my friend. She is amazing. And I am incredibily honored to have her in my life at all. I kid you not, when I see her name on ANYTHING, I pray for her. A text to tell me she's updated her blog, a status update on facebook, pictures her husband has tagged of her, road signs that lead to her hometown, walking past her old apartment.... I always take a moment to thank God for her and pray that she feels His love over her this moment.

See, about two years ago, she went through a life-changing experience. Something that will always be a part of her. I can say this not only because of the conversations we've had that have come from those last two years. But because I think God did something that night that no one else could. Now, I don't know if I'm going to say this correctly, but I know that that's okay.

That evening, God allowed for one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with (which I fully understand that there will be harder things in life). And yet, I thank Him for the opportunity it gave me to be there for my friend. I knew that I couldn't do much from where I was that evening, but God provided loving friends who took me to her. I knew that I didn't have the best words for calming her nerves, so God just had me hold her hand and wait. I knew that I couldn't drive her, so God reminded me to call my papa and we'd be on our way. I knew I didn't know what to say in that car ride, so God gave me things to talk about, laugh about, and be honest about. I knew that I didn't know what to do when she arrived home, but God gave me the footsteps to follow. I knew that I didn't know the words to comfort her sorrow, but God gave me the peace and willingness to wait and just BE there.

Almost two years ago today, my friend lost her AMAZING brother. I know that God provided our friendship to withstand so much by believing and trusting in Him. I only hope and pray that I can continue to be a rock for her. She is amazing. She has grown stronger in the Lord than so many and it's outstanding to see her fight to keep God her passion in life. And I know that there are times when things are tougher for her. I hope she knows that there are some of us who consider her a strong woman of God, pray for her continually, and are always waiting to be still for her in God's presence. I love you!!

============================
Falling on my knees in worship
Giving all I am to seek Your face
Lord all I am is Yours

My whole life
I place in Your hands
God of Mercy
Humbled I bow down
In Your presence at Your throne

I called, You answered
And You came to my rescue and I
I wanna be where You are

In my life be lifted high
In our world be lifted high
In our love be lifted high

Writings on the Wall

2009-12-21T00:43:00.000-08:00

For some time now, I've been contemplating leaving.
If you know me well enough, you know that in my mind, that can encompass many things and many places. Tonight, it's been running and running in all directions and suddenly, a brick wall slammed in front of me. And when I turned, there was another. I looked everyway I could, and nothing but brick. I had no choice but to read the writing on the walls.

You see, when I think leaving-- I don't even stop to think of where to-- my mind starts to equate "leaving" with "running away".
So what am I running away from?? Who knows.
And where am I going when I am running away?? Nothing.
Where does all of this get me up? Nowhere.
So what's the point?? No idea.

That's when I saw the brick.
Brick in front, in back, side to side, below my feet, and above my head.
I had mortared myself a room that was for me alone.
No room for anyone else.
Why on earth would I desire and long for companionship and yet create a place that only I fit into??
No room for God.
Just selfish me.
So, before I can let anyone be a part of it.
I have to tear down what I've built, replace the brick with God, let Him be my world.

Then I know where I can leave to.
To Him.
To His plans.
His purpose.
His love that I'm terrified to let in and let overcome me.

How funny that I would put up brick in my minds eye.... brick isn't common for me. There really isn't much of it in my life. Somewhere in my life, I was taught that brick would be a stronger wall than cardboard or straw. I just have to remind myself that God is stronger than all those things combined.

"Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me...
...Your love is
Strong"

Thank you for reminding me, Spazzy.

for all the Brainiac's out there.

2009-09-28T21:11:00.000-07:00

Oregon girl I've been around the world but I've never seen another Oregon girl.
Oregon girl with your lips and curls
I want a taste of that Oregon girl

There’s a mountain
There’s a time to
They were put up there to keep us apart
So I watch you making plans and I make plans
You could kick a drum but
You just try to stop me now from movin’ on with an Oregon girl
HEY!

Wait for me another year or two
I will graduate and marry you
You roll the number and I’ll buy the lumber
To build a house up on an Oregon hill

There’s a mountain
There’s a time to
They were put up there to keep us apart
So I watch you making plans and I make plans
You could grow a thumb
But you just try to stop me now
From movin’ on with an Oregon girl

Dear Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin,
Thank you for making me feel more loved.
And now, for some of the newest Avett Brothers.

load the car and write the note
grab your bag and grab your coat
tell ones that need to know
we are headed north

all one foot in and one foot back
but its okay, to live like that
so i cut the ties and i jumped the tracks
for never to return

don't go revenging in my name

2009-09-16T23:01:00.001-07:00

Tonight, I decided to turn to my old faithful of friends, the Avett Brothers, so some old harmonizing and sweet tunes to tickle the eardrums. Needless to say, they did not fail. Nor did their lyrics fail to reach my brain and send me into a whirlwind of thoughts. I flipped to some tracks from their most recent released album, Second Gleam. "Bella Donna" sounded like a simple enough song. But the second verse made me stop, listen again and again.

"Donna, Bella Donna have you seen me?
Have you ever really seen me
Like I want for you to see me now?"

When was the last time I asked this of anyone? When was the last time someone had ever seen me? Ever really seen me? Like the way I want for them to see me now?

It definitely makes me think about the person I am inside, the person I allow out, and the person who desperately wants to shine through it all.

one long week

2009-08-26T14:40:00.001-07:00

Today's a rough day for me to write in here. Part of me wants to whine and moan about my frustrations, but another part of me knows that no one wants to hear any of that. Then the first part complains that no one reads this anyways, and the latter tells me that I should have a better attitude and not let things eat away at me. Needless to say, it's a definite battle to keep my mind focused on more important and better things.

Like last week at camp.

Man alive, does my heart ache to have junior high camp all the stinkin' time!! (And who EVER thought that I would have said that?!?!) But really, I love those kids and that staff. I love other staff as well, but that junior high camp just really surprised me in amazing ways.

On Monday night of camp (the second night there), I had an accident and somehow fell on the stairs by our cabin. They are not stairs like the ones at Whispering Winds--which consist of rotting wood and the occasional gravel--no, Wi-Ne-Ma stairs are ALLLLL about the concrete. So this genius falls, and lands SMACK on her back. Not my head, or arms, or anywhere else, my back. And if you know me at all, you know what a smart kiddo I can be about my back. Well, I was able to walk, with plenty of pain, so they laid me down and called for the ambulance to come take me to the ER in Lincoln City. While we waited for them to arrive, a few of the staff were in the room with me. Ben, Jen, Mary, Kevin, Nora, and Bryan all prayed over me, which only caused this nervous wreck to cry more. Bryan (my new "brother"), leaded over me in the end, tears streaming down his face, as he whispered for his sister to get better and how much he loved me. Again, more tears from me.... I can't believe how much I wasn't even focused on my back when this "brother" of mine came and cried over a girl he barely knew. Not only was that my emotional point, but then two of my previous preschoolers came in (seeing as their mom was one of our nurses). The oldest began to cry because she was so sad that I was so sad. She even laid one of her pint-sized coats over me to keep me warm and comfy. Her little sister than brought me a lil white and pink teddy bear that was to help me feel better. She was choked up as well, and said, "Miss Elisa-- You're MY teacher. You teach ME. I love you." Argh, really?!?!? When your in that kinda pain and 4 year olds are crying over their hurt teacher, how can you NOT tear up even MORE!?!?

They knew it probably wasn't my spine (no numbness/tingling in the extremities or anything wrong with my neck), but that didn't stop the paramedics from going full out with the neck-brace and backboard. After last summer, I have learned that neither of these are fun experiences to deal with in an ambulance ride on old roads.

So once we'd arrived at the hospital and they'd checked me in, I was SOO thrilled that the doctor okay'ed me quite quickly to be removed from the glorious neck-brace and backboard that I was strapped to. As much as I was thrilled for that, I was *NOT* thrilled by the scary lady who was constantly moaning next to me. My only ER visit was from the summer before's car accident and I had had a private room. This thinly draped curtain was NOT going to do. Luckily, in the land of triage, spinal injuries get priority listing. Not long after being there, they assessed that it was bruising from landing, nothing too serious, but plenty of aches and pains to last me a while. The doctor said he'd write up a prescription for some glorious vicodin and that I would have two shots put into my hips before I could go. Now, I have learned from this being my FIRST time with vicodin that I love it dearly. But let me ttteeellllll you something.... it's BABY SAUCE compared to that marvelous drug called morphine that they shot in my hip!!! :D

According to my VAGUE memory, I was very pleased with the way it made my hands feel when I rubbed them together. And I thought it was quite funny to clench my bottom and thighs to scoot me up in my seat over and over for the drive back to camp. I told a few jokes with Ben. And recalled getting frustrated with the paramedic who kept asking if I was pregnant or on the pill or pregnant. (I had calmly responded with, "Not unless God's into immaculate conception again!")

But when I returned to camp was what really amazed me. Bryan, my "brother", was refusing to go to bed until I returned to make sure that I was okay. He saw me, told me that everyone had been praying for me, and went to bed. I went to sleep, slept through the staff meeting in the morning. I don't remember when it was I first got to see people that day, but the one's who knew me came and spoke with me, offering the GENTLEST of hugs.

One by one, the counselors came and told me about how their campers had asked that they stopped that night and prayed for me as a cabin. I don't know if you know a ton about junior highers, especially cabins of junior high boys--- but in my book, that's a BIG thing. I was completely taken aback by the love this camp held. All I could do was sit back and take it and thank people. It made it really tough because I wanted to be so involved and knew that I had to be limited in what I did. I wanted to be going and doing and a part of it all, and God made me sit and wait. It made me find new ways to love on people, and it brought together my cabin of mis-matched girls in HUGE ways.

That accident was one of the biggest blessings in my life. If you were there, and you're reading this. Know that I did not thank you enough for all that you meant to me!! I wish there were better ways to say it.

Beginning of the Tops

2009-07-21T18:40:00.000-07:00

I've decided that I don't mind Top Ten Lists in the least.
And as I've started to think things over, I can't help but listing some things.
Although, as much as I am COMPLETELY FOR ORDERLY FASHION.
Sadly, mine will rarely follow that tradition because I am truly terrible at making up my mind (narrowing anything down to a list of 10 will be the biggest feat).

Introducing, today's Top Ten:

:::: TOP TEN 80'S KIDS SHOWS FROM PBS ::::

10. Degrassi Junior High & High.
Now, these never played that long on PBS where I live, but all over the US and Canada they did, and that is a shame because I love watching them in all their 80's glamor glory.

9. Sesame Street.
We're talking the good kind of Sesame Street before any obsession with Elmo came into play.

8. Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood
One of the many time treasured classics where we all learned about a man who obsessively changed his shoes and sweaters more than we ever knew possible.

7. Reading Rainbow.
I honestly think that this show contributed to most of us wanting to read. When they'd learn all about the books I'd be twitching in my seat to go to the library and find that book. I just had to read up on all the cool books. Sadly, I'm a preschool teacher now and I think I get twitchy even more so! Now that I'm watching the intro, I used to try and guess what the books would be about that all the intro kids turned into.

6. Mouseterpiece Theatre
This one is a little foggier in my mind, but I remember it just the same. A Disney themed story time of classic tales. How cute.

*******************************************************************
PRECURSOR: This is the start of my TOTAL geekiness and how much I really dolove education and what PBS has to offer (or at least did, at one point).
*******************************************************************

5. Eureka.
Ahhh, the lesser known science show of PBS. Wanna be a small child watching a show with words way over your head that you pretend to understand? Welcome to my childhood. But, needless to say, I did learn the concepts quite well and it helped IMMENSELY as I grew older.

4. Newton's Apple.
More of what I watched and loved via science on PBS. This one was neat because they had a portion where famous people came on and talked about whatever scientific topic they were discussing that day and how it related to them in whatever they did. Totally a smart move on the shows behalf: convincing children that if we want to be those famous people, (which we all did,) science was going to be essential.

3. 3-2-1 Contact.
No joke, I love education too much. More science for fun. This is where I learned how to weight large objects that don't want to stand still on a scale (like a massive dog).

2. Square One.
Math at its finest. My favorite segment was almost always MathNet.

1. Zoobilee Zoo.
Now, I don't know how many of you know who Ben Vereen is, but he's this absolutely outstanding dancer from back in the day. I'll talk more about him on my next post, and just where he's gone with his life. Anyways, this is one of my greatest loves for costuming and disguise on television. Not that they did some massive job, but these characters (believe it or not) where not the least bit frightening as a child. They were characters that you could easily relate to and were always able to learn a lesson from. Beautiful aray of 80's colors that weren't always neon.

Fourth FollowUp

2009-07-05T20:34:00.001-07:00

I have to admit, my 4th was definitely not quite my typical festivities. True, I did watch (and enjoy) the traditions of my small-town parades. From the VIPs, to lowriders, to Shriner's and on to the kiddy parade... we smiled and called out to those we knew. But it was different without having scouted out the family's usual spot in front of Haugen's Photography with our small haul of lawn chairs and a picnic table bench. This year, just my cousin, Nate, kept to the tradition. With his newish girlfriend, Kelsey, we ran into a few old friends from camp-- Beans and Thundy.

It was fun to get to see Kelsey's reactions to our oh-so-old-school parade of silly traditions. Even the City Managers and Mayors helped clean up the horse poop willingly!! (Of course, I don't know that they feel that way by the time they reach the end of the parade.... we always see them towards the start of it all.)

Then we cruised through Main Street Park, which festivities are dwindling moreso each year, and on home for the family BBQ. I have to say, the family BBQ is quite the tradition. When we were children, my second cousins lived at the coast and would come in JUST for the 4th and the family BBQ. In junior high, they moved into town and still came. Even my second cousin who lives in Portland came home this year for it with her boyfriend.

It was weird without Uncle Gary there, I'm gonna be honest. He's a quiet man, for the most part. But when he spoke, it was thought out and exactly what he wanted to say. There was no crazy laughter from him and Brian.... no lollipop games played in the park with a RIDICULOUS amount of winnings.... but it was real nice to hear Aunt Debbie get happy when she heard that Kelsey was from Willamina and had heard of him.

That was pretty much it for me. The highlights had to be as followed:

Singing "Low" while my niece, Hallie, watched and danced with excitement over hip-hop music (mind you, she's almost 2).
Discovering the joys of LATFH and AFP and laughing at the uncomfortableness of it all.
Teaching FLUXX to Nathan and Kelsey--- only to get Kelsey hooked and wanting the Monty Phython version of the game!! ((SIDENOTE:: Apparently the 4.0 and Zombie Versions have CREEPER CARDS!!!))
Texting Jason to wish him a Happy 4th-- because I LOVE ALL HOLIDAYS!!!

Yep. I continued my time with falling asleep too early to go to Ben & Bethany's party-- which was a HUGE bummer because I wanted to. Thus, not really feeling like being up and down in a crowd at the Independence Park for fireworks-- causing me to cancel on Chris.

At least I'm caught up on sleep for the next week of Preschool Camp!!

simply,
ME

keep up.

2009-06-19T17:45:00.000-07:00

Probably the best t-shirt I've seen in quite some time.

"I handle wild animals
for a living.
If I am running-
keep up!"

simply,
ME

Why Katie Couric is My Best Friend

2009-06-17T18:34:00.000-07:00

I returned to my home, with a heart part made of stone

2009-06-12T19:03:00.001-07:00

I have to admit-- I am currently a little heartbroken.
And by a little, I really mean deeply.

For five consecutive summers (6, if you add on summer of 2001), I spent most of my time planning, plotting, and acting upon the greatness that is camp. Not just camp, but so much more. I spent countless night with no sleep. My mind reeling with ideas and concepts and things to do. Trying to make each year better than the one before, and yet something so absolutely personally wonderful for each staff and camper. It was my life, my everything. I would fill notebooks with crafts for each of the camps. I would post-it any book that I could get my hands on regarding games and team building skills. I would meet over and over with previous staff--- quizzing them on what when well, what needed improvement, what was missing. I planned staff recruitment at the local university and hounded any available student from the youth group who was looking for work. Heck, I even got my cousin, Nathan (Bird), on staff last year!! And his sister intended to work with us this year!

But plans change. It's a way of life and something I constantly have to tell myself. It's something that I have to do more than that-- I have to teach myself how to be okay with change. Change happens for a reason and there will always be bettering of myself in the long run. As for now, well, now I can't really see that end result and big picture. But I am faithful, nonetheless, that God will show it when He's ready.

I suppose I can see some of it. There's some definite adventures that I don't normally have the chance to be a part of, that I now have. Being involved with the youth group through the summer, helping the college group with the TWLOHA event that's coming up in the fall, being around my family for summer stuff, running our first ever Safari Kids Summer Day Camp, late nights with my friends at bonfires. Yes, those are all great things I will get to be a part of.

No more insane cook-outs with missing and mix-matched ingredients, no more screaming and dancing along with shy little campers, no more walkie-talkie calls at all hours for JoMamma, no more laughing hysterically at Q during the early (late for her) hours of the night, no more Tent City parties with Wombie and Myrtle and the Man Shack, no more waking up snuggled in my sleeping bag, and no more having everything I own smelling deliciously of campfire and woods.

Yea, definitely still heartbroken. And definitely excited to see so many of those faces tomorrow night at Commie's.

Camp-Tastically,
ME

Well then

2009-05-07T12:31:00.000-07:00

So, I promise.
SOMEDAY.
(hopefully) Some day soon.
I *will* post the adventures of my great and wonderful trip to Kentucky.
I wish I could explain ALLLL of the details. But there's way too many.
Needless to say, an excellent trip.
It was exactly what God wanted me to do.

My only unknown, is what to do with it all now.
No joke.
My heart has been torn every which way about what is happening next in life.
Including many a thought of leaving Oregon.
Hmm. Who knew.

Journeys end.

2009-03-13T13:11:00.001-07:00

I feel like my life is in one of those transition points. I can't tell what's happening, or what is in store. And somehow, in the confusion and general feeling that I might as well give up on trying to control things, I almost feel peace. No, definitely not peace. Tranquility? No, that's not it either. Muted. There, that's better. I feel muted.
It feels like that moment you might be loosing something or someone. Or that somehow, in all your selfish ways, you were too self-focused to realize that you already have lost. I have this hollow chest feeling that tells me that I'm right there. You know what I mean? You breath and your chest doesn't rise, it just falls deeper into you.

The worst part is, all that I can think of is:
What am I loosing? What have I already lost?

"Well, I'm fairly certain
At one time or other,
Great thinkers all feel this way"

Winning

2009-03-05T22:40:00.000-08:00

Can you believe it?? I can hardly!! What an exhilarating childhood feeling!!

When I was in Elementary school, I remember that we had some sort of good kid ticket raffle going on at all times. Man, did I *ever* suck up to any teacher who glanced my way. I did whatever I could to make sure my name was in there over and over. And due to that small nerdy factor of my life, I spent a good year or two winning a significant amount of items from the counselors office at school. I remember my favorite prize.... Sea Monkeys. Ahhh yes, I was always amazed and wanted so desperately to see a REAL Sea Monkey!!

Since then, my luck greatly changed. My family used to all bring me their scratch-it cards because I was a guarantee to win them money. These days, I am having a good month if I win a single coin toss. Not to say that I'm saddened or anything from it. I have no problem with winning or losing and I love the joy of the game, the chase, and the memories that come along with chance and odds.

But today, I clicked the link to my blog, signed in, and checked into who I follow. "a bag of chips" (written by Tina Cockburn) appeared at the top, with a simple title: Winners!
I had remembered leaving a comment on her blog, in regards to being a hopeful luck-of-the-draw winner in her random lottery from those who commented on the previous 'Give Away! Give Away!" post. Curious, I had to glance. Reading through the winners, I smiled at how happy they would all have the joy of being. Winning something is always that moment to let yourself be spoiled... to pick the Sea Monkey container off the shelf of goodies.
I was done reading when I had to start over again. What was that? A few select others won ADDITIONAL prizes?? How intriguing!! Wait, was that my name??? Could it possibly mean ME??? I had to scroll down to the 74 comments received on the original blog.... sure enough, I'm the only Elisa listed. "A Making Memories 'Slice' apron and a nifty little craft notebook by Creative Options goes to Elisa!"

Needless to say, my prize will soon be pictured upon arrive.
Let me say, waiting for it to arrive---
--- a bigger rush than waiting on those Sea Monkeys to appear!!

I just want to breath.

2009-01-26T22:14:00.000-08:00

My head is jumbled.
And I'm not sure if it's my cold.
I'm not sure if it's the weather.
Or my schedule.
Or my lack of sleep.
Or my thoughts.
Or my lack of summer employment.

My head can't seem to focus.
And I want it to. My brain swirls whenever I turn.
And then I remember that that is mostly because of this cold.
I wanted to hear so much more than I heard this week.
I wanted to hear Sean, but I had to breath.
I felt like I couldn't breath in there.

I wanted to hear Stan, but that song just kept playing.
I hate songs that are commonly associated with stuff.
I want none of that played for me-- in any situation.
I don't like the emotional attachment anymore.

Part of me wants nothing to do with emotions.
And the rest of me wants to drench myself in them.
But I'm terrified to.
More so, I'm terrified I won't be able to pull myself back out to breath again.
I hate not being able to breath.

I just want to breath deep again.

the earth falls asleep

2009-01-21T23:39:00.000-08:00

Can anyone tell me how
how we learn to live with ourselves
I've been forgiven
things only God knows
that I can't forgive myself
and after all of my searching
I've found who I am
and it's not what I wanted
but I'm here now
and I'm broken
come save me from this hell.

The earth falls asleep
much to early for me
I close my eyes but I can't rest
my body is tired my mind is running
from the past to the east to the west
trying to find the blame
that you've already taken from me

Can anyone tell me how
how we learn to live with ourselves
I've been forgiven
things only God knows
that I can't forgive myself
and after all of my searching
I've found who I am
and it's not what I wanted
but I'm here now
and I'm broken
come save me from this hell.

I'm convinced that the world that we see is a curtain
behind it which vast realms await us
with uncharted marbles and oceans of mercy
inside my father's eyes
and the mountains are grandstands
that sheets of blue sky rest upon
peeled back with ease to reveal
a glory I've never dreamed.

Can anyone tell me how
how we learn to live with ourselves
I've been forgiven
things only God knows
that I can't forgive myself
And after all of my searching
I've found who I am
and it's not what I wanted
but I'm here now
and I'm broken
come save me from this hell.

I wanna pay for the things I've done
the people I've hurt
get what I deserve
but You won't let me, You won't let me
my hope is in the unseen
my hope is in the unseen

My hope is in the unseen
Because I see no hope in me.

simply,
ME
(of course, in the words of Abandon Kansas)

Nothing Back

2009-01-21T01:27:00.000-08:00

I have to apologize for being so distant.
Nothing in a mean state or anything. Life just slowly picked itself back up as school began again for our silly Preschoolers and I began my new job at Ash Creek with the kids there.
Both I love, one more than the other. But that's okay, things are growing on me.

Anyways, that's not the purpose of this late night blog. I'm never really sure just what I'm going to say in these things when I start. And I rarely finish where I think I might. And I know that I'm not the best with words and I can't always express the things that are really on my heart, but I do my best. And God understands, so I figure I'm in good company when I'm trying. Alright, here goes.

The past year and a half have really changed a lot about me. I'm hoping for the best, I'm thinking the best, but I never know how it shows to others. I want to live a life of love. I want to make it my goal in life to serve. And to be honest, I find myself struggling. It's hard to realize that the thanks and recognition doesn't need to go to me. And that I've pretty much put myself back at where I started (if not BEFORE that point) when that becomes my focus.

My papa has always been more than I could dream of. He's been an amazing rock to me and taught me so much about how to give more than I could dream. And to give til there's nothing left... because is there any REAL reason for me to refuse what I have to someone else?? Nope. I pray that in those aspects, I can be just like him and more. To be honest, I sometimes find myself at church-like things and I find people talking about God as a father to us. I instantly choke up. I know how much I love my papa and what he means to me and to know God in a way that is greater than that.... well, I can't stop myself from praying that others will know God as that loving father.

I love that my papa and I trust each other. I love him for knowing my heart and knowing when to know that my word is enough. Almost exactly one year ago today, my father proved himself a wonderful person who completed what I could not be. I remember everything. Not the detailed words, but I remember telling him that I needed him. I needed him right then, and I needed him for a long drive. With tears choking my throat. I knew that I didn't want my mother there. I needed my papa, my father to be the one I rely on.

Without fail, he arrived, waiting first by the car; and then helping to move stuff in the truck. It was obvious that I was lost. Did I sit in front and let my friend rest? Or join her in the back? Or let her ride up front with my papa (who I know that she didn't know as well as me)? He kept me calm and focused. He spoke when he needed and was silent when the time was right. He was more than I knew I needed.

Because of him, I see what God wants to be in my life. What I have to give up control and let Him take over and lead for me. Because of my papa, I see how I should love my friends. And I hope to continue to love them in such a manner and grow in that love. Val, if you read this, I hope to love like my papa, and like you, someday. It's wild and reckless and way more unconditional than I've ever achieved. Thank you for not giving up on us and sharing your love with all of us. Especially Geoff. I pray that I can be just half of what you are.... that's more than I've ever dreamed.

I will never forget that night.... for reasons beyond my papa.
For reasons that only God could have placed into our lives that night.
Free love. No holding back. Just like You've taught us.

Return of the Staff

2009-01-02T01:21:00.001-08:00

Well, my love for the band, eastmountainsouth, exceeds me.
But I can justify it because thanks to them, I think I may have found a wonderful staff song for this summer at camp!!! I know, I know, "Return of the staff song??" you say.... and yes, I think it's due time. There are plenty of people who can play guitar accompaniment and we all know that the returning staff can ALLLLL keep rhythm on drums or egg shakers ((thanks to our beloved Dave)).

Respectfully, I give you, "Hard Times," by eastmountainsouth.

let us pause in life's pleasures
and count its many tears
while we all sup sorrow with the poor
there's a song that will linger
forever in our ears
oh, hard times come again no more

'tis a song… a sigh of the weary
hard times… hard times come again no more
many days you have lingered around my cabin door
oh… hard times come again no more

while we seek mirth and beauty
and music light and gay
there are frail ones fainting at the door
though their voices are silent
their pleading looks will say
oh, hard times come again no more

'tis a song… a sigh of the weary
hard times... hard times come again no more
many days you have lingered around my cabin door
oh, hard times come again no more

eastmountainsouth

2008-12-29T22:19:00.000-08:00

Here I am, headached back into bed for the day. Watching absolutely pointless dribble on the tv when I could handle anything else. Until this evening, when some favorites of mine popped on. Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother made me chuckle and feel much better. 9pm hits and I begin to channel surf.

Thankfully, I am alone in my room so that no one can know about my semi-closet obsession with the sweetest (and occassionally bittersweet) romance stories around. This would have to include one specific made-for-tv movie that I became addicted to in Missouri. Thank you, once again, Ashby.

That's right. I'm finally admitting it. Lucky 7 and I are friends.
I can't help it!! Patrick Dempsey has been my friend since the late 80's with Can't Buy Me Love! Forget all this Grey's Anatomy hype-- I'm a classic fan. I loved the nerdy boy next door he once was. I love the bagel shop employee that he became.

As if I wasn't happy enough with the movie, I got to see it in a different light. The whole point is that female lead goes as a pretend girlfriend with Patrick Dempsey to a wedding. As the scene arrived, something felt different this time around. The words they spoke felt muted. And that subtle melody that was intended to hum in the background suddenly was all that I could hear.

As the music at the banquet
As the wine before the meal
As the firelight in the night
So are you to me

As the ruby in the setting
As the fruit upon the tree
As the wind blows over the plains
So are you to me

As the wind blows over the plains
So are you to me
So are you to me

Man, I'm going to be honest. I got up (mid movie) and had to write this down. One of those moments that you can't really let pass you by without mentioning it. What a gorgeous song, what simple words. I'm excited for when I get to feel that.

simply,
ME

thanks to John Denver

2008-12-29T11:43:00.001-08:00

On December 24, 1818, the curet of a parish in Obendorf, Austria,
Josef More, gave a poem that he written to a friend of his, Hans Greuber,
who was also the choirmaster and organist in that church.

He asked mister Greuber if he would write music for his poem
and that he might write it for two solo voices and guitar accompaniment.
Because the organ being broken,he desperately wanted music
being part of their Christmas Eve service.

Mr. Greuber wrote the melody to a song
which has become the most beloved of all Christmas carols.

Stille nacht,
in English: Silent night.
Schlafe in himmlischer ruh.
Sleep in heavenly peace.

safety first, my friends

2008-12-23T16:42:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I was returning from a much needed errand run into Salem, when what to my wandering eyes should appear? But an annoying girl, who knew not how to drive.

Now, everyone was driving pretty much above 15, and I totally respect the idea of being cautious and going slow. Except with you, my non-friend. Again, I agree that it's okay to be cautious, I'm constantly FOR being cautious!! And I was okay with her when I thought to myself, "Man, I'm glad that she doesn't want to loose control of the vehicle and is being safe."

But those were NOT my feelings when I realized that she was one of THESE offenders.
That's right, she's a lets-be-a-moron-and-take-pictures-of-myself-while-driving-in-craptastic-weather-instead-of-waiting-til-I'm-at-a-red-light people. Wow, is that really okay? I guess I'm just lost as to what in my head would ever make me think.... black ice on the roads, lots of snow coming down, roads with sharper corners where I can't see around the bends to know traffic.... I know!! Photo-Opp!!!

simply,
ME

I know what you are

2008-12-17T08:21:00.000-08:00

Last night, I dreampt (sp?) that I let Britney Spearsput fake, feather eyelashes on me.
And I walked around a tennis tournament with a scratchy voice.
And to leave it, I had to drudge through a marshy area,
and to get out of that marshy area,
I had to climb on a stack of mattresses.
I have the strangest dreams.

Wanna know what's super creepy?
Guess what's on the tv now?

More than I've said in a while.

2008-12-16T02:03:00.000-08:00

You thought you knew, but you have no idea.
This, is the true story, of me.

I observe more than you know. I watch everything around me and I take it all in. I can tell you TONS of random facts about you.... but I bet you don't even know my favorite color. Or my middle name.
I talk with my eyebrows and I can't help it. It's hilarious to cover them and watch me talk in the mirror with them covered, or only look at my eyebrows. I can always entertain myself.
If you give me the core elements of any craft project (paper, glue, paint, scissors) I can make a world of things.
I still don't know the story of the origin of our camp too well. I know the gist of it, just not the details and the whole thing. Plus, every time someone tells it, I wait for someone to make the same mistake that Kiwi made and say "the best dam lake".... hahaha!
Falling asleep with my headphones playing the Avett Brothers is the most relaxing thing at camp... so is waking up to "the Final Countdown." It starts me off with energy.
I love the snow so much! But I think it gets me in trouble because it makes me want to run away to a log cabin and cuddle up so warm.
I want to protect my friends from ever getting hurt, but I am finally realizing that I can't always do that, and allowing them to get hurt. Which hurts me a lot, but I know that it's what they need to be where they need to go. Does that make sense?
I'm a "poor man's Wendy". Which is not my favorite thing.... but I'm learning on how to get out of that.... I hope. Oh wow, do I ever hope.
Words, quotes, songs, and feelings constantly trigger music in my head. The soundtrack to my life will be so interesting, I'm excited to hear the final results.
I watch pointless TV shows. I like the way they make me feel that my life is something more than those shows. Pathetic, I know.
I'm terrified to move forward in my world of Camping Administration. If I did it at CWW, there'd be no more Q. If I did it at another camp, I'd not be at CWW with Q and everyone else. I need to pray more about this.
I want to dance. I can swing dance, but I want to do more than that. And I want to dance well. I'm very klutzy and this definitely hinders me from trying. Sometimes I do, when no one's around.
I love what I'm doing in life right now... I'm so pumped for it to grow and keep going. I am willing (and scared) to do whatever God has in store for my life next. Wow, I know it seems strange, but that's so super hard to admit.
Oh, and I love pajama pants. I'd wear them all the time if I could. Plus, then when I *did* dress up, everyone would be like "WHOW!! Look how good YOU look!!" Hahahaha!
I love to make random mixed CDs for my friends. Often, they have hidden intent or meaning. But that's usually a secret between me and the CD. Shhhh. ;)
I want to do theatre again. I miss it.

For Those Who Served

2008-12-10T16:46:00.000-08:00

A Tribute:
To the girls who dared to be a part of this moment in our history.
Thank you.... for all your closet obsessions.
Oh, what could have been & what you've always dreamed.

The many.
The ridiculous.
The Camp Staff.

Poor Wandrin' Soul

2008-12-01T21:35:00.000-08:00

I love music.
Especially acoustic and folk.
I love the smooth melodic tune and the simple crooning of everyday man.
I love hearing the crack of a voice.
You know what my FAVORITE sound is though?
The simple glide of fingers along a guitar.
That slightly higher pitch of a quick slide when transitioning chords.
My heart instantly warms over it.

With winter on my doorstep, what a beautiful time for inner warmth.

:Kate & The Ghost of Lost Love:

(man) sweet Kate, open your gate -- here i stand in the wind
threadbare, snow in my hair, how i need you again
for lone stalks the hunter's moon,
time takes her toll
love, please, mercy on me and my poor wandrin' soul

(woman) love is a star that will not shine till the hour of your return
i count the days in cups of wine and the candles i have burned
and sunrise comes only when i am faraway in dreams
or when the black thunder rolls
i cannot save my own sad heart nor your poor, poor wandrin' soul

(man) i heard the grey wolf sing her serenade at night
but you never held me by the light of day
i climbed the redwood tree and caught the wren in flight
but her wings were soft as morning and the morning slipped away

open the gate, love
so many candles
suddenly morning slips away from me
and the wax heart weeps and blisters
and it's burning where he kissed her
and the ghost of lost love whispers, "sweet Kate..."

volcano

2008-11-30T22:09:00.000-08:00

what i am to you
is not real
what i am to you
you do not need
what i am to you
is not what you mean to me
you give me miles and miles of mountains
and i'll ask for the sea

So, I really hate being down in the dumps. But this weekend really left me feeling that way. Which totally sucks because it should have been a great weekend. My cousin, Nathan, was home from college. We played some wicked Settlers and I never won, but I still love it. I saw tons of old camp friends. The Ducks totally dominated the Beavers in the game... which wasn't only great, but great because I was the ONLY Ducks fan at the party.

But then there's the relational friendship stuff that makes my stomach turn. I'm a people pleaser and I definitely felt like I walked away being not only the JERK of the party, but like no one told me and I was the disappointing part of everything or at least the reason that everyone else was disappointed.

I thought that I was making good choices by explaining why I thought things might end up uncomfortable if everyone was there. That I knew that I would be in an awkward position and feel hurt by it so and this time I was going to allow myself to be the main concern. And apparently, it was evident to all around me. And apparently I ruined the chance at a couples movie night without me.

Why couldn't anyone have told me that from the beginning? From before the weekend hit? Why did I have to find out on the ride home? Why did I have to feel so terrible and overthink it all?

So what do I do with all that? You mean besides trying to unsuccessfully hide my tears the whole ride home? I don't really have much choice but to move on. And I think I've realized that it helped me understand my roles within my friendships. What I'm there for and what I'm not. I don't even think that I'm upset anymore. I just needed to get it all out somewhere. That line towards the end, "what I am to you, is not what you mean to me". I get it. I think I'm finally getting it. I guess I'm trying to find out how to make the mountains and the seas combine, finally.

simply,
ME

Hooked on a Dream

2008-11-16T21:00:00.000-08:00

Last night I was relaxing before bed, trying out a lil bit of some good Stumble. And I came across a website with these pictures of office pranks:

Now, these are all of the pictures I can show you, because really, they are the only ones that matter at this point in our story. See, if you look closely, you will (hopefully, shamefully) recognize a familiar face encircling this lil cubicle.... that's right, folks, David Hasselhoff.

Uncomfortable yet? Because I sure was in my dream!!! He was singing a concert at my church and all the ladies of the church were bustling around in preparation. They kept saying "Mr. Hasselhoff likes this or that" and all these funny things. I remember standing in the foyer and giggling, while I told one of them, "You mean 'the Hoff' likes these decorations??" She (no joke) HUFFED, got red in the face, and firmly told me, "it's MR. HASSELHOFF." Which made it even harder for me to hold back my giggling over this creepy man singing at my church.

Did I explain the decorations yet? Here, a lil visual to help (because I love paint so much):

I know what you're thinking... CLASSY. And for the Hoff... excuse me, MR. HASSELHOFF, it just may be. I don't know.... looked like something I could have had my preschoolers doing to kill time... but whatev. Luckily, I awoke before the REAL magic started to happen. Like meeting MR. HASS--of forget it, the Hoff. Or worse yet, listening to him sing!! No, no, I missed out on all of that. But that doesn't mean that YOU have to miss out on it!! Here ya'll go!!

simply,
ME

Picky, Picky

2008-11-14T23:07:00.000-08:00

Some people don't like shaking hands
when they know just where that hand has been.

p.s. I see me!

simply,
ME

Punchinello

2008-11-13T15:33:00.000-08:00

This song has been stuck in my head all day.

If these kids can do it, so can you, Womby!!

I hope you know that I expect to see this
at the Talentless Show this summer!
As you can very well expect to see some of my
SWEET interpretive dancing skills as well.

What can you do,
Punchinello, funny fellow?
What can you do,
Punchinello, funny you?

simply,
ME

The Show

2008-11-12T01:59:00.000-08:00

I'm about to embark on my endeavor into Grey's Anatomy... starting from season one. Because who starts a show a few seasons in and thinks they know everything?? And really, I have to keep watching The Office on Thursday nights.

But! I did get MASSIVELY pumped when I realized that each episode of Grey's Anatomy is named after a song. Which is superb for someone as silly as I who will text myself messages during shows. Scrambled lyrics that are murmured in the background scroll across my phone as I frantically try to catch them all so that I can go home and look up the songs.

AND! I just realized that I HAVE seen an episode of Grey's Anatomy!!
Losing My Religion... which has the oh-so-sad scene of Izzie with that one dude and Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars" plays. Yes, that one I remember off hand. See:

It also reminded me how much amazing music Zach Braff helps become discovered through his show (Scrubs) and his movies (Garden State, Last Kiss, etc.).
One of my FAVORITE artists that he used a lot on Scrubs, was Colin Hay.... from this touching hospital scene.

I promise, I'm not depressed. Not in the least.
Just scenes that do not fade from my memory to quickly.

simply,
ME

dandelions

2008-11-08T12:52:00.001-08:00

When I was in junior high and some high school, I started to fall for this lil band called Five Iron Frenzy (FIF). They weren't really anything at the time, but I still loved them, all because of a lil sampler CD that I magically found in my possession. They were a small, christian ska band from Denver that came up with catchy tunes like:

Suckerpunch
My Evil Plan to Save the World
Arnold, and Willis, and Mr. Drumond
Mayonnaise Taco Monday
Not Unusual (yes, they did a cover of the classic Tom Jones song)

And my all-time favorite, Dandelions. A simple song about how God sees that there's more to us than what we tend to look like with all of our disasters and failures... that He sees beauty in the weeds.

Needless to say, I've mostly outgrown my overwhelming love for ska and have broadened my horizons in musical tastes... which is including my love for bluegrass. And within that love for bluegrass, you can easily find The Avett Brothers.

I think that a part of my fascination with The Avett Brothers, has to do with their use of musical instruments and there style. For many people, it takes a bit to get into their music and their form. They're completely non-traditional with scratchy tones and cracking high notes... it may take a lil more than a quick glance to enjoy these gentlemen. I also can't help but love how they take one man's trash and make it a treasure. Notice what Seth is playing?

Yep, basically it fits perfectly to take a lil mid-day nap (after only 3 hrs of sleep). Do I have all that I need? Warm blanket, comfy clothes, open window, rain on my roof, and the Avett Brothers sweet dandelion music dancing through my head. Yep, I'm set.

Key Moment

2008-11-08T02:48:00.000-08:00

12:42am COMMIE: Haha they are. I feel like we should slowly walk away. You steal jordan's keys.
12:44am ME: I can't! They're in his pocket. Lets boot them out and steal the caddy!
12:45am COMMIE: If I get the keys will you leave with me.
12:45am ME: Yea
12:48am COMMIE: We move out as soon as i get them.

That's all it took. The next thing I realize, Commie's been discussing people with too many things on their keychains and insists on asking about each of our keys... careful to keep Jordan's as last. He insists that there are only two: his car and his house. She refuses to believe him and tells him that she needs to see the proof. He hands over his keys, we nod and open our doors. Instantly, Jordan realizes whats happening and springs after Commie. She tosses me the keys and I move to the front of the caddy.... Jordan's car is farther away than I had been thinking. He comes at my and I swiftly switch his keys with mine. The playful struggle is minor and I give up my keys.

Commie and I continued to his car, Jordan shortly realizing that the keys I had handed him where in fact, not his, he's lost his lead and we're almost to the car.

Commie and I look back with laughter. I tell her that I'll drive. We climb in and I quickly come back to reality when I remember I cannot drive stick. As we laugh over this little factor, my phone whistles a text. I flip it open and laugh.

12:50am JORDAN: Terds - Jp

NEW-vember

2008-11-03T16:38:00.000-08:00

In strong accordance with the rules that men follow during this new month,
let us all reflect on these things:
The joy and love in reasoning behind No-Shave November.

simply,
ME

Oh, and the good people at biggerbetterbeards.org.

MORE changes?!?!

2008-10-28T19:25:00.000-07:00

Speaking of things to change, I was checking out the Girl Scouts of Oregon and Southwest Washington (realignment!). Which made me want to check out more on their camps. Which made me realize that NONE of the subdivisions have very detailed stuff available regarding their camps. And as I was considering Camp Whispering Winds-- my summer home of 6 years now, and counting-- I realized there were a few things I'd love to see happen for a change.

YURTS. Wouldn't it be great for an all-weather, year-round thing to have Yurts in camp. I would most definitely be excited for a campground that had yurts as a part of it, and I'd even be willing to pay more to stay in one! (hint: $$cash money$$)
LUGGAGE WAGONS. No joke, how ingenuous is this one! And what, prey tell, are the benefits? Well let's see, there's (A) a quick, simply way to identify who's luggage goes where, (B) they attach and haul easy, and (C) HELLO! They have tarps on them which means no more massive piles in the parking lot of soaking wet junk because Nereputia (spelling??) decided she hates us all.
POWER IN ARTS & CRAFTS. I know, what a concept. We wouldn't even use it except when needed. And maybe for light music to keep our sanity.

Dear Gusty,
I hope we can fix camp for you. Hire some other woodland creatures and they'll help camp!

simply,
BISCUITS

change up

2008-10-28T14:19:00.000-07:00

Soo, I decided that my life was worth caring about, and made a big change. I put a 2 weeks notice into my job at the Child Development Center and found myself here, at home, finally relaxing. Well, maybe not relaxing... but certainly not being tense and stressed and arriving home wondering how I would ever get out of that job. Because, well, I just did it. :D
Okay, so not 100% officially done with it. It was a 2 weeks notice... I still have one day left to work (this Thursday) and then I'll be totally done with it. The sad thing is, I learned a lot about things while I was there. It was pretty amazing to have the opportunity for so much information and so many resources at my fingertips.

Anyways, that's done. My life is finally shaping up with the schoolyear being a go. I have preschool, that is, not college. Although, I've been thinking more and more about the concept of taking a few classes.... what in, I'm not totally sure... which helps me to not jump to deeply into the college scene just yet. Perhaps computers. Or maybe culinary. Photography? I put an offer in on all the equipment for a dark room... that's pretty intense for me!!

WOW, I'm totally random. And it's about to get worse!! I ordered 7 copies of a book off of Amazon... all through the discounted stores because it was much cheaper that way. And then yesterday, I ordered Settlers of Catan (board game) on Amazon because... well, because I love that game and it's about time I owned it myself!

Final things to do this month? (that's right, a list!! just for Commie!!)

Buy Hoodie for Ben to design.
Buy t-shirts for Halloween for Bethany and I (I adore Dr.Seuss!).
Research cell phones some more so that I can get my upgrade.
Wait for the rest of my Amazon orders to arrive.
Work my last day at the CDC.... say goodbye to AMAZING kids.

simply,
ME

versus

2008-10-18T17:29:00.000-07:00

another one to prove the theory.
wow, i'm getting good at this.

my stomach makes me wanna vomit.
maybe that's my heart.

And Now for Something Completely Different

2008-10-01T01:03:00.000-07:00

Decisions

2008-09-29T02:18:00.001-07:00

Today I was thinking about the concept of having your life as an open book for all to see. Part of me thinks that it's totally true and valid. Why not be transparent? If I want people to know the real me and know everything that there is to know, I need to have my book of life opened wide, flipping page constantly, and narrating along with silly voices (because let's be honest, there's plenty of silly voices rolling in my head and out of my mouth).

Yet, another part of me thinks that that's the most ridiculous thing ever. That no one could be that transparent. And that those around me wouldn't want to hear the things I think in my head. Those knee-jerk reactions... the instant judgments... the terrible comments I make... the zany thought process... the wondering ideas... it's all too much for me to even go over in this short message. I think I don't want to be that transparent for fear of people knowing the real me that I bite my tongue over. The girl who has to constantly hold the discussion in her head before bumbling out the wrong words and laughing awkwardly. Or even the one who's kept her mouth clamped shut over relationships-- I'm talking friendships and romance and unrequited interests and more.

I'm a people-pleaser. I don't know that I could be so open with my heart. But at the same time, I know that I need to not hide my heart.... rather, I need to change it into something better. And my thought, is that maybe that kinder heart will want to share and be more vulnerable than what I have now.

In conclusion...
If I ever wrote a country song, I think that it would be called "This Just Ain't Me".
One of the few times in my life I could honestly validate the use of that word.

Battle anyone??

2008-09-19T20:31:00.000-07:00

does anyone remember the lyrics to Battle Royale?

I can't find them. Sad day.

couple modern day Moses'

2008-09-12T20:31:00.000-07:00

searchin' for the promised land.

I'm getting that feeling... that tingling all over.
That one you get when you start to feel yourself sinking.
The point where you've become stagnant in some way of life.

Something in me is hitting a lull and I need to get myself out of it all.
I have this simply country song playing on my myspace
and it's definitely running through my head day and night.

We can pack up tomorrow.
Tonight, let's flip a coin

Heads, Carolina Tails, California.
Somewhere greener, somewhere warmer.
Up in the mountains, down by the ocean.
Where? It don't matter, as long as we're goin'
Somewhere together. I've got a quarter.
Heads, Carolina Tails, California.

Hmm, scratch Carolina and fill it in with Washington and you've got a deal.
I think I might be making some arrangements for a good time.
Old college friends, I might be calling.
Camp friends, I might be using your hotel discount.
Local friends, might be flippin' a coin.

*sigh*
Anyone have a quarter?

Official

2008-09-08T07:33:00.000-07:00

Today, everything becomes official.
I'm a Preschool Teacher.

And I am scared out of my mind. I bet no one thought that they would ever hear me admit that one -- but it's most definitely true. The kids don't scare me. Not even so much of the parents (although speaking in front of them will make me quite nervous).

I think it might just be the actuality of finally considering myself a full-fledged adult.
Yep, I think that's it. Definitely a flutter in my stomach that I know is not the toast I had for breakfast.

Well folks, wish those lil kids well-- it's gonna be a BIG day!!

simply,
ME

monotone

2008-09-04T19:14:00.001-07:00

Have you ever had that feeling that there's something great and wonderful that you should be expressing? That inside you, when you speak, something of great value should pour out? I keep feeling that way. But I have a total mind-block. Therefore, I feel that awkward silence fill the air (and heaven forbid, I allow that) so I replace it with my bumbling mouth.

Ohh, you can only imagine the things that sauntered out!!

"You should make a picture of THAT and put it on your collage!!"
(referring to Song of Solomon's description of his lover)
"It's the socks--- they topped the cake."
(referring to the elderly man at the station)
"Okay, you're just gonna need to pee right there.... I should have got an extra cup."
(referring to my dripping burrito at Muchos Gustos)
"I was so scared my pocket would scare him!!!"
(referring to the man sitting next to my cell on silent)

Don't you fret-- there were many more to follow.

a birthday for frances

2008-08-27T18:20:00.000-07:00

It was the day before Frances' little sister Gloria's birthday.
Mother and Gloria were sitting at the kitchen table,
making place cards for the party.
Frances was in the broom closet, singing:

Happy Thursday to you,
Happy Thursday to you,
Happy Thursday, dear Alice,
Happy Thursday to you.

"Who is Alice?" asked Mother.
"Alice is somebody that nobody can see," said Frances.
"And that is why she does not have a birthday.
So I am singing Happy Thursday to her."

"Today is Friday," said Mother.
"It is Thursday for Alice," said Frances.
"Alice will not have h-r-n-d,
and she will not have g-k-l-s.
But we are singing together."

"What are h-r-n-d and g-k-l-s?" asked Mother.
"Cake and candy. I thought you could spell," said Frances.

"I am sure that Alice will have cake and candy on her birthday," said Mother.
"But Alice does not have a birthday," said Frances.

I went down to the ocean...

2008-08-14T10:06:00.000-07:00

I have to apologize for the delay in updating. Really, my life hasn't had too many eventful things happening. (Especially nothing like the accident!)

Mostly, I'm just writing because I realized that I have invested a lot of my time (since I've moved back) with youth. Not that I didn't do that before, but I've really done that more and more these last two years. The majority of our camp staff is 18 and under. I volunteer at church with the junior high and high school youth. I supervise a High School Girls Bible Study Group from Church (go LoveShack!!).

I tend to find myself having a harder time dealing with one little piece of it more than any other.... once they finish their senior year, there's a good chance that next summer is all we've got for a long time. So let's make the most of it, right? Of course right!

I have been blessed with an awesome amount of time with my summer staff that are graduating and leaving the area. Even the new staff that we gained were pretty much the most amazing people ever and I've built relationships that I honestly think helped hold me together this summer!

And as for the girls group? Well, what could be better than working at Wi-Ne-Ma with the two leaders of the group for a WHOLE WEEK??? What could be better? Not much else, let me tell you! I just wish that Brittany could be in the cabin with Molly and I! We've got the best plan EVER!!

What plan? Oh you know, everyday is themed. There are fun activities for each day. We are even bringing games and possibly some silly costumes! Oh man, we're the COOLEST!!

Oh, and the best part of it all?? Molly and I put together a scrapbook that's for the time we're there. We're going to add pictures of and text stuff later but it's pretty sweet. To top it off, Molly has NO CLUE but it's completely her graduation gift to take off with to college and enjoy while she's there!

Wish us all luck!

I'm the best w/ Paint

2008-07-26T00:14:00.001-07:00

Well, my life has been a little hectic to say the least. But that's pretty much how my summer's roll. The last time I wrote in here, the stuff with my uncle was so fresh that I had to just speak of it. But let's just say how amazed I am by the little things that God does to remind us how everpresent He is.

First, on July 8th, shortly after 6pm, my friend JuJu and I were in a car accident. To be honest, it's one of those one's were people are in shock at how well you got out of the situation.

Basically, we fish-tailed a littleto the left, fish-tailed a LOT right and that turned us the opposite direction until we were rolling over a ditch. We've discussed it a lot and we're both pretty positive that we rolled about 1.5 times. Mostly because we can recall the motion of being upside down and then right side up and we know that we DEFINITELY ended upside down. Trust me, you can't forget the feeling off being released from the seatbelt only to come crashing down onto the roof. We both walked out of the accident in shock of what had happened. We tried to walk our beat up bodies to the neighbors to call for help, but no one was home. So we continued to the next house and walkie'd in to camp as we walked. My reason that only God can explain, our walkie picked up in camp and help was on the way.

I spent the rest of the week recovering with JuJu, and still am in some ways. I still have a stiff neck from the whiplash, a bruised shoulder bone thingy, and I am WAY tense in cars around corners if I think you might be going to fast. But the Shoulder range of movement is MUCH better (compared to EXTREMELY LITTLE), no more stomach buises from the seatbelt, no more lower back pain from bouncing on my seat, and no more scary dreams. JuJu is fine and back driving on the road.

Anyways, when I got home was when I heard about the loss of my uncle. As if being an emotional wreck from the accident wasn't bad enough, let's add on no one telling me that both my parents are speaking at my uncle's mass and I'm just a blubbering wreck, sitting next to my 9-month pregnant sister.

Oh by the way, here's where God really tops it off. After a 'bout with the almost-loss of life, and then the loss of my uncle Gary... God blessed us with one back here on Earth. My nephew, Joseph Burnham, was born on Sunday, July 20th. 9 pounds, 21.5 inches.... hahaha, that monkey! What a loving God that when so many seems felt like a loss, He turns around and gives back to us a life we've so greatly anticipated. Too good.

Shock

2008-07-12T15:09:00.001-07:00

Today my Aunt Debbie called.
She didn't sound like herself.
In fact, she sounded like my sister's mother-in-law, Debbie.
A bit stressed and sounded a little urgent to talk to my folks.
I figured something was going on with my sister and her husband.

Then my mom called.
Had Aunt Debbie called for her?
Maybe-- I didn't know which Debbie it had been on the phone.
She said it was Aunt Debbie.
Uncle Gary had a heart attack today and passed away.

If bad things really do happen in 3's... can JuJuBe and I count as two?
I don't know how many more I can take this summer.

blubber

2008-07-12T01:02:00.000-07:00

There's a lot to be said for the experience of working at our camp.
And trust me, I'm sure I could find a million little things to nit-pick and complain over, but the truth of the matter is, I love it. And I love our staff.
I am so proud of them. They work so hard and they get such little thanks. I hope that they know how much we love and appreciate all that they do.

This last week, I was in a car accident (EVERYONE IS FINE!!) and as a result, was put on rest in the camp infirmary for the remainder of the week. Let me tell you, when you put two people in there who are just ITCHING to get out and do something more, you'll end up with a lot of antsy energy bottled up. And some pretty weird cards made for every person on staff.

But most of all, I was stuck with too much time on my hands to think. And thinking usually led my head back to the accident-- which left me very emotional, so I tried to avoid it. So what else could I use to fill my head? Honestly? There was a lot of conversations with God going on up there. Mumblings of thanks and praise for watching over me and JuJuBe that day. Praises over the staff and campers who patiently put up with our wiggly selves in those days of immense heat. And a lot of focus on my dear friend, JuJuBe. Who I've grown closer to than I ever expected. I know that the minute I have to admit that I need someone, she's already holding my hand and walking me through it. I know that the second my breath catches or my eyes well up, she's already found a distraction to help me refocus.

I don't care what anyone says. I don't care who reads this.
God loves JuJuBe, and I'll never stop thanking Him for her in my life.

Come & Go With Me Today

2008-06-16T17:02:00.000-07:00

Well my friends, it's as simple as this. I leave for camp, oh so soon.
And by that, I mean I leave tomorrow afternoon/early evening.
I'll be gone a lot, occassionally home on the weekends or perhaps every other? There really hasn't been a decision on that part of is as of yet.

But there is ONE thing that's been decided. And that's MAIL.
I love it. I enjoy it. And I 100% hope to find some in the mailbox addressed to me.
Think ya'll can help out? Here's the address:

~ BISCUITS N. GRAVY ~
c/o Camp Whispering Winds
23111 Burgett Creek Rd.
Philomath, OR 97370

Hope I hear from you soon! (And if I hear from you, you'd better believe you'll be hearing from me in return!!)

OH! AND IF I'M MIGHT BE MISSING YOUR ADDRESS, I PROBABLY AM!!
HELP ME HAVE ADDRESSES FOR CAMP!!

Not to Us

2008-06-09T17:15:00.001-07:00

Out of my group of LoveShack girls, are two recent high school graduates:
Molly & Brittany

This Sunday, was a graduation service at church. And during it, our youth minister (Ben), spoke with these two girls about some stuff that's happened in their life. Especially this last year.

They spoke about Bridgetown, and their adventures there. They spoke about the impact of the Real. Life. Exhibit by Medical Teams International. They even explained the passion it stirred up in them to do something. There was a quote there that Molly mentioned. It said something to the affect of that they they can do something, even if it's something small. And because they know that they CAN do it, they refuse to NOT do it. Long story short, they raised $3612 at an event that only hosted 90 people (that's an average of each person giving over $40!!).

All of this has been amazing for them. And for those of us who've had the chance to be a part of their lives.... you can't help but be affected by these girls and their light. So, basically, we've been waiting on this last final trip this weekend. Not that it will really be anyone's last, at least not hopefully, but this is the trip before everyone gets to busy to all be together again.

Here's the plan (thanks for hanging it, I know it's a long blog): It's all tenative and is in hopes to be finalized tomorrow with our Bridgetown friends. We're going up to Portland on Friday to watch "Lord, Save Us From Your Followers." Then we plan to BOOK it over to Nightstrike and help out anyway that we can. We're also hoping that there's room for us at Liberation to stay the night. Because we're wanting to help with BTownKids the next day!

So why tell all of this? Simple. There were thoughts of arranging a hotel room for us to go stay in. Come to find out, the church had planned to get the three of us a suite and dinner out on the town!!! They said they wanted to do something for all that these girls have done.

You wanna know what the girls said?

"We'd rather just stay at Liberation... maybe we could use the money for the room on something/someone that needs it."

Again, I say. I love these girls.

So Sorry

2008-06-03T17:48:00.000-07:00

Girls are some of the most frustrating things ever.
I don't know how guys put up with it.
I don't know how anyone does.

And I sincerely apologize to anyone that I've EVER frustrated in life.
No joke, it's ridiculous. I'm sorry.

no shelves for me, please

2008-05-16T02:16:00.000-07:00

I had all these thoughts and ideas stewing in my head.
But perhaps they'll just stay there tonight.
The more they boiled, the more I just got sick of having them,
I'd rather let God take the control.
I just don't feel like being a tool on a shelf.

tool

lua

2008-05-14T00:00:00.000-07:00

And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did
It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live
Cause what is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is

It was so simple in the moonlight now it's so complicated

1 day 'til Escape.
1 day 'til Sarah's Birthday.
2 days 'til Narnia.
2 days 'til my Birthday.
2 days 'til Nightstrike.

Here we go, folks!

2008-05-09T10:11:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is IT!!!

The Race for Hope
is TOMORROW at Central High School Track
in Independence, Oregon.
Registration opens at 12.
Kids Dash (400m) starts at 1.
Run/Walk (3k) starts at 1:30.

This is it. This is what we've been waiting for.
Please be praying. Please support these girls!!
Most of all, come learn about Medical Teams International
and have a GOOOD time running & walking!!

Thanks, again, everyone!!
(Oh! And click on the title of this blog
to see the article on the girls in the Itemizer Observer)

Next countdown? 7 days 'til Nightstrike.

all this from a movie

2008-05-03T20:26:00.000-07:00

Whenever I see a movie more than once, I always look for my previous favorite clip. I relish in whatever it is I once saw in it, that made it so special to me. But I always look for another clip as well. Something new that I never spent the time divulging in before.

I was watching Saved tonight and there's this lil piece at the end where they say:

Hilary Faye: Roland, does Jesus still love me?
Roland: Probably not.
[pause]
Roland: Yeah, why not.

For anyone who hasn't seen this movie, that doesn't probably make much sense. But for those who have, it definitely makes me happy. Hilary Faye was the preachy girl who condemned anyone else for anything they dared do. She was the high holy-roller. And at this point, she's hit her low: vandalized the school, blamed everyone else, crashed her van into a giant Jesus sign she made, and all this other stuff (really, just watch the movie and you'll understand). And in all of this, she is humiliated and pretty much open for anyone to see all vulnerabilities and mistakes in her life. She looks straight to her brother and asks the one thing that seems so simple to us.

Does Jesus still love me?
And in the end... yeah, why not.

golly gee

2008-05-01T10:35:00.001-07:00

these weeks have been insane.
salem-news.com article is up online!
the IO newspaper is doing a story on it!
I wonder if the other papers will call next week?

God, if You're reading this (which I'm sure you can),
You're pretty much the best thing ever to happen to these girls.
And to my life. Thank You more than I can ever say!!

Hey Mikey! (we're on the web!)

2008-04-28T18:09:00.000-07:00

Hey!! So this is what all the hoopla is about!!
Check it out!! And race it up on May 10th!!

Rumor in St. Petersburg

2008-04-25T15:36:00.000-07:00

I just realized how much I've been slacking at updating this thing!! Sorry about that everyone. Wanna know what's new? www.salem-news.com !! THAT'S WHAT'S NEW!!!

So yeah, either tonight or tomorrow (Saturday) you should be able to see an awesome video article on there about a pretty sweet event called "Race for Hope". Chances are, you'll recognize a face or two. And who knows, you might see it again on a TV station sometime soon as well!!!!

If you haven't heard about the "Race for Hope" yet, ask me!!
No joke- I want ya'll to have the chance to know more about it!!
Mark your calendars, MAY 10th!!

p.s. A special thanks to Bridgetown (who we mentioned a bit during the interviews)-- thanks for opening our eyes and letting us see more... of our world and of ourselves.

another Friday night

2008-04-20T15:32:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, I had a long talk with one of my friends to catch up with them. I wish I didn't have to have these sort of talks. Not because I don't like them, but because I wish I didn't feel like I have to 'catch up' on their lives. I should be more actively involved. Sorry, that was a total side note. Now back to where I was.

So there we were, chatting about her life and what was going on and she starts to open up to me about a course that she's taking. The more she talks about it, the more I start to realize just how passionate she is. Now, if ya'll know me, you know I get pumped if you're pumped. Therefore, we were both really getting into this in depth conversation about poverty and how her prof was saying that once you're in it, the statistics show that you are virtually stuck for life, and with that, you should not bother getting out. Which is pretty much the worlds biggest downer and crappiness of a teacher I've ever heard. (I know, terrible English.)

As the night progresses, we can't help but returning to this conversation of just what this professor said and how my friend is against it (as am I) . I ended up inviting her to join a group of us that are going this Thursday to see the Real. Life. exhibit that's put on by Medical Teams International . I wanted her to see that those statistics aren't all that's there in the world. That there are people out there who are changing those statistics and that we can help them. Yes, in debted with college loans, college student, weighed down with homework, working a lousy job, trying to find time to do it all people.... we too can do something. No matter how ridiculously small.

She agreed and I've been in deep prayer about it ever since. Want proof that God answers prayers? Just try it! He answers, we just rather not listen when it's not the answer we want.
Proof? I prayed for God to allow an opportunity before that trip to the exhibit to show some more of His amazing love to my friend and I. This Friday, she texted me asking if I wanted to hang out that evening. I told her that I had plans to go to Nightstrike with Bridgetown Ministries and invited her along (ding ding ding! God showing His love in huge ways!!).
I figured that God was gonna do His thing when she agreed to come. I figured, "Sure! He's got this. She's coming, she'll see His work. We're good." Well, it looks like I totally forgot about asking for the both of us to be blessed with the sight of His love. Thanks to a lil help, we got put on a prayer team together (via her request), and we went out to blanket the city in prayer.

As we progressed, I remember griping to myself over something petty and small. Something I was unwilling to let go of as our group began to walk south of the places I was familiar with. The moment our group leader began to pray, God hit my heart hard. There I was, claiming to be so happy and faithful to Him, and I wasn't even praising Him. I was being a brat. I began to catch my breath as the realization of it all overcame me. I prayed for His love, and grace, and forgiveness. We prayed over buildings of lost religion, over the leaders of the community, over our leadership with those around us, for the leaders of Bridgetown, for those loving on their community, for the continuance of it all. But my favorite moment of all, followed the sweetest action.
As we walked down a street, I saw a man raising his held hands over and over, uttering words I could not comprehend under his breath. I smiled, and watched as we continued to walk. He glanced my way, my smile grew as I said, "Evening, sir." He stopped his motions, looked slightly puzzled before that smile filled his face and he replied "Evening, miss. God bless you." "God bless you too!" I said, my face now lit by my smile as I passed him. I whispered a prayer for him in my head. As I turned to check on my friend, she looked at me and smiled. This is what she said:

"I love praying.
It makes me tingle.
Nothing else makes me feel like that.
(giggling)
I like to think it's the Holy Spirit in me."

I think she has a better understanding of that than most of us do.

to you, what is flight?

2008-04-15T00:38:00.000-07:00

YOU HAVE TO CLICK IT TO READ IT ALL.

Lame Sauce

2008-04-08T08:21:00.000-07:00

I can't seem to figure out Google Reader.
I know it should be easy, but I'm still a bit lost.
I even watched the tutorial, which was awesome at explaining what it did, but I just want to know how to do it. How do I add things to do? Yeah, I'm pretty much completely lost.

Please help!

shortness

2008-04-06T23:58:00.000-07:00

So, Portland was pretty much just as wonderful as when I left it last week.

But I think the best part of my week was the leadership meeting that I was able to attend. Looks like I'll be the "Human Accountant/People Mugger" here pretty soon. Which as odd as it sounds, is probably one of the most fun and creative activities to do for me!!

Oh yes, and we just found out our plans for returning to Portland on the 18th for another evening of NightStrike. Pretty much one of the biggest highlights of the month!!

Favorite Photo of the Day:
(Please note the hidden blanket--- I like to think it was cleverly stashed away until needed later that evening)

IDP

2008-04-04T18:12:00.001-07:00

Guess who gets to go spend tomorrow in Portland!!
Guess who's gonna have a SPECTACULAR time
pretending she knows where she is, what's she's doing,
and which place to go!!!!!

DEFINITELY in need of an INSTANT DANCE PARTY!!!!
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd GO!

p.s. "liberating" and "degrading"... are DEFINITELY two DIFFERENT words.

3/26

2008-04-03T21:49:00.000-07:00

"Having your humanity stripped from you."

I guess I never thought of it that way....
Today, I watched a woman walk out of a store, glance our way, and quickly avert her eyes to a plain brick wall. She continued to stare at that blank wall until fully passed us and out of that uncomfortable position of possibly looking someone in the eye. Of possibly offering a simply hello or a smile to warm our day. No, she was too busy being fascinated by the damp, rugged wall that didn't seem to interest anyone else in sight.
When people no longer acknowledge your existence - when they treat you as if you were a ragged stray cat... there can only be so long before you might start to believe it yourself.

~~~
Two nights later, I found myself reading this note that I had scribbled to myself. I had spent the night contemplating just what happened that night. Just what it was we had done... and I realized, for once, we weren't stripping people. We were looking people in the face. Saying hello. Smiling. We touched them anyway we knew how.... physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Just for the hope of restoring humanity.

Dig In

2008-04-01T22:50:00.000-07:00

Have you ever read the story of Jesus calming the storm?
Chances are, if you EVER attended Sunday School, you have.

But have you ever really dove into it? I'm being honest. Have you just sat down and discussed it from every corner of the mind and thought about what else could have been going on with this story? For some, this is simply Jesus displaying His "oneness" with God through His ability to calm a storm with a flick of the wrist and a hush. And I beg you to look beyond that. DIG IN.

Here's what I mean, we'll start with some basics. Let's start out with the supposed chillness of Jesus as he sleeps through a raging storm on a boat. How many people do you know who will just grab a cushion and nestle in deep while everything around you is drenching wet and rocking viciously?? I can bet there are a few, and they were probably the same men who were awake on that boat and trying to save all their lives. But we're going to go past that because it's an obvious look at.

My first real question: What do you suppose Jesus' tone was when He told the disciples "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?"/"Why are you so afraid do you still have no faith?"? Was He laughing? Frustrated? Saddened?
I had to step back and realize just how early in His walk with the disciples that this is recorded.
Perhaps He was saying these things still being new in his relationships with them. But this still isn't enough clarity for me. Something still seems to be missing....

The next big question roles out: Why is Jesus-- part of the omniscient God-- having to ask such a question to His disciples? Does He not already know their answers? My conclusion came from a conversation with my LoveShack girls (who are AMAZING, by the way!). It basically came from this conversation:
Me: So, let's say that there's this guy at school that keeps catching your eye... what do you do?
Jordan: STALK HIM!!! *insert awkward uncomfortable laughter*
Me: Okaaaay, that's ONE way.... anyone else?
Helena: Well you talk to his friends, find out about him.
Me: Right!! You find out stuff before hand. And what do you do when you're ready to talk to him? Do you walk up and say, ' So that math test you had on Wednesday must have been intense, isn't that hard with your dyslexia?'
All Girls: NO!!! *insert lots of laughter*
Me: Right! So what do you do?
Molly: Ask him how his day was?
Me: YES! RIGHT THERE!!! What did you just do?!?!?!
Molly: Umm, asked a question?
Me: And what was Jesus doing???
All Girls: Asking a question....?
Me: Right! It didn't matter if he already knew the answer, He still asked the question. And what was He doing with that question??--- What were you establishing with that question to that guy?
Brittany: You'd be establishing a relationship with him.
Me: So what do you think Jesus may have been doing with the disciples?!?!?
All Girls: Ohhhhhhhh.

Do you get it? Maybe half of the glory of that story was simply that Jesus was establishing His relationship with them.... He may have already knew their answers. He may have known just how faithful they were. But He came here to build that personal relationship that we can have with God and fulfill what God had planned for Him, no matter how painful. Is it not amazing that our God DESIRES that relationship? Even from things with the simplest of answers that He already knows, He's still willing to ask to invest in the relationship and allow us to state what we will.

I love digging in beyond the simple stories we've overlooked for years. It's a drag that we've overlooked Him for so long. So now is our time to change things and figure more out. Why wait another minute?

Laureas & Holly

2008-03-30T23:38:00.000-07:00

Today, I saw most everyone from our group from the past week. One of them, Laureas, came up to me to tell me about how she had checked out a website that our new friend, David, suggested (Check that site out here!) It's about ending child sex slavery and exploitation.... which is more active than many know (or are willing to acknowledge).

Anyways, this weekend's trip really opened my eyes to it and to finding out more about it. I don't know if it was the Real. Life. tour... or the Shanghai Tour... or just an open heart to see what's happening around me. Whichever way you look at it, these things impacted some of us. The more I read about it, the more I looked for information. I ended up stumbling across a 2006 film, Holly, that has Ron Livingston (OfficeSpace) portraying a man who meets a girl in Cambodia and wants to buy her freedom.

I just rented another movie and I really wish that I had known this ahead of time so I could have got them both, but this is definitely next on my list. If you have already seen it, please let me know what your thoughts are on it.

Have a good evening/morning. Shoot, it's later than I thought!

recap

2008-03-29T23:41:00.000-07:00

After much consideration, I've decided that I would rather go back to blogging.

So here's my blog from before the trip:

(Tuesday, March 25th, 2008. 10:42 a.m.)

For those who haven’t heard, I leave today to do something I’ve never done before. In fact, most of the people I’m going with, have no clue that I’ve never done this before. Yet, this is pretty much what I’ve always wanted to do with my life, but was too afraid to do to this extent.
See, I love my homestate more than most. I love everyything that Oregon has, I love the people, I love the nature, I love that God blessed me with a wonderful family here-- and I’m talking beyond my blood. Heck, I love this place so much that I knew my heart was BURNING in me to finish school and return here. All I’ve wanted to do was LOVE. (which sounded much simplier than it has been.)
I found ways around me to do what I wanted, but still within my comfort zone. Today, I leave for Portland to help our youth with Bridgetown Ministries’ Week of Passion. We’re going to go love Portland. And if you’ve ever met this group, you know that INTENSE things WILL HAPPEN. End of story.
So for those of you who read this and pray-- pray for us!
For those of you who read this and think happy thoughts-- thing happy thoughts for us!
For those of you who read this and ignore it all-- know that we’re loving you too!

Check out this article!! Or at least read this blurb to understand more:
"Bridgetown Ministries and its dozens of volunteers aren’t vetting the moral worthiness of the homeless people whose hair they cut, bodies they clothe and feet they wash. They know some might be drunk and some on drugs. Are they homeless because they’re lazy? Do they deserve this care? The questions are utterly irrelevant from the perspective of the ministry’s radical compassion. As Snider puts it, "We’re just out there to love on people."

my newest fancy

2007-04-02T16:57:00.000-07:00

if I weren't leaving
would I catch you dreamin'
and if I weren't gonna be gone now
could I take you home

and if I told you I loved you
would it change what you see
and if I was stayin'
would you stay with me

and if I had money
would it all look good
and if I had a job now
like a good man should

if I came to you tomorrow
and said let's run away
would you roll like the wind does
baby, would you stay

my heart is dancin'
to a november tune
and I hope that you hear it
singin' a song about you

I sing songs of sorrow
because you're not around
see, babe, I'm gone tomorrow
baby, follow me down

and I don't know why I had to
but this man must move on
I loved my time here
didn't know 'til I was gone

november shadow's shade, november change
november spells sweet memory
the season blue will remain
november spells sweet memory
a season blue remains

your yellow hair is like the sunlight
however sweet it shines
bit by the cold of december
I'm warm beside your smile

oh lady, tell me I'm not leaving
and you're everything I dreamed
I'm killin' myself thinkin'
I'm fallin', like the leaves

I'm killin' myself thinkin'
I'm fallin' like the leaves

here am I

2006-02-01T21:27:00.000-08:00

simply,