Inadequate Me

More often than not.
I feel inadequate.
And in many different ways.

I'm not necessarily down on myself about this. I'm actually okay with it in many ways. But not every way. I feel inadequate not only in many different ways, but in many different situations.

I don't know how to be a supportive friend all the time.
I don't know the answers to your biblical questions--- regardless of the 4 years I spent in school learning about the Bible.
I don't know what it's like to be in a healthy, loving (dating) relationship with a man.
I don't know the words to say to mend my mistakes.
I don't have the answers to the things that frustrate you.
I don't have the answers to the things that frustrate me.
I don't always stick to my word.
I don't feel worthy of a God who loves me in all these shortcomings.
I don't understand how He continues to forgive when we continue to sin.

Yes, there are even more that should be on this list. There are many ways that my heart aches just admitting many of those things. But above all, I know that my inadequacies do one thing for sure: Humble me. It's a tough spot to be in when you have to admit you're lacking. But sometimes, it's an honor. I wish I could explain the feeling on my heart when I pray to God. I wish you could feel the pressure that I allow to build up as I begin to confess my inadequacies to Him. And even moreso, I wish you could feel that release, the breath that fills my lungs, the fluttering of my heartbeat when I get to praise Him for filling in each place I am lacking. For when He overflows from one thing to the next, making me better, simply by being Him and being in my life. When I have the opportunity to worship Him at any moment, at any breath, at any thought. It's okay that I'm inadequate. I'm supposed to not be enough. If I was enough--- I wouldn't need Him and desire Him. I want God in everything I do. I require Him.


A little sudden of a confession? Yes. But something that's been on my heart for a while now. And especially after my chat with Jared in the car on the way home from Trivia Night at Applebee's. I'm not so great at trivia. In fact, I think I may have known the answer to about 10 of the questions out of over 70. I don't mind, I like laughing with my friends over our guesses and the joy someone gets when they realize they're the first to recall the correct answer at the table. But the car ride home was where things started to run in my brain. Jared and I were talking about the Tuesday morning tradition of meeting up at a local coffeeshop to chat with a few friends. I had missed a few weeks and Jared ended up getting loaded with great theological questions. He was happy that I would be back this week to help lighten his load. I cringed. I am terrible at answering Biblical questions. I panic. My mind goes blank. And I quickly remember how much I took in from all of those bible classes in College-- muy poco.
Sigh. It does make me sad that I didn't do a better job at studying and retaining what I learned. But I also have to realize that I am not forever fated to that. I can keep growing. I can keep learning. I can keep studying. And building and strengthening my knowledge and love for God.

It's okay that IIIII am inadequate. I need God. That's a good place to be. :)

simply,
ME